The Collateral Damage of Divorce
I recently heard a story about a very ugly divorce that gave me reason to pause. It was drawn-out, it had lots of animus, and friends of each spouse completely supported the party they were closest to during and after the divorce. When the marriage ended, friends of the ex-husband no longer talked to the ex-wife and vice versa.
Guess what? That couple, who caused friends to take sides, are soon to be remarried. So what happens to the friends? What are they supposed to do? Apologize to the “other” side, or pretend nothing happened? Go into counseling forever to sort out the emotional dilemma these friends have caused?
Divorce has a ripple effect far beyond the two spouses involved. We all know how divorce affects children, and how divorce can affect productivity at work. Rarely, however, do couples consider other repercussions to their decision to get a divorce. Maybe, in part, they should.
For instance, what happens if you go to a party and run into a friend who was on the other side in your divorce? If you really liked that person, should you try and reestablish that friendship? Or have the bruises from the divorce left emotional scars that may never heal?
While I am not advocating considering the feelings of friends when couples decide to get divorced, I am a firm believer that how you go about it is often as important as making the decision to divorce itself.
Mediation, collaborative law, sorting out your feelings in therapy are all tools people can use when going through this very painful process. Don’t ask your friends to take sides, and don’t badmouth your spouse. Remember, at some point your divorce will be over and life will go on. Friendships can last forever, even when marriages don’t.
