Stepping Back from Anger: Protecting Your Children During Divorce (Part 3)
Here is Part 3 of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers’ publication, Stepping Back from Anger:
Helping children heal begins before any legal papers are filed, with how and when parents tell their children about their decision to break up.
The first words children hear about the divorce should be from their parents, as soon after the decision is made as possible. It is best not to wait until one parent has already moved out of the house.
Ideally, both parents should be there when the children are told. If the children are roughly the same age, they should be told at the same time. If there is a substantial age difference, it can be useful to tell them together, and then have separate meetings with the children individually, adapting each explanation to each child’s level of understanding.
When informing children of an impending divorce, parents should not divulge such details as infidelity or sexual deprivation, and they should not blame one parent or another. One possible approach is to present the divorce as a solution to the family’s problems, an end to the fighting and tension that have filled the home with anger.
Honesty is a crucial element in informing children of the split. They should be told that their lives will change, and that some things, like spending time with the parent they’re not living with most of the time, will be harder.
Children should be encouraged to talk about their feelings, either with their parents, their friends, or a counselor.
It is best that parents not ask their children to choose with which parent they would like to live. If they have an opinion on the matter, it will likely come out unprompted. If they do not, they should not be put in a position of choosing between one parent and another.
One custody option to consider is joint custody. It allows both parents an equal say in decision-making on the child’s behalf, even if physical custody of the child is not 50/50.
Although sharing parenthood so intimately with someone a parent no longer shares a marriage can be difficult, it is one of the best ways that parents can show their love for their child.
Most children - in fact, most adults - still dream of being part of a Rockwellian family, with a mommy and a daddy, several happy children, and a dog, all living blissfully under one roof. But as the American divorce rate skyrockets, that dream is becoming a reality for fewer and fewer families.
In its place, for both parents and children, are opportunities. By stepping back from their own anger, divorcing parents can move closer to what should be a common goal for their children - maintaining a nurturing environment and minimizing the potentially traumatic byproducts of the so-called “broken home.”
