Stepping Back from Anger: Protecting Your Children During Divorce (Part 2)
Here is part 2 of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers’ must-read guide for divorcing parents, Stepping Back from Anger:
Roughly one-third of the children of divorce lose contact with one of their parents, depriving them of years of adult guidance, support and love. But even many of those who remain in touch with both parents are not any better off, as they continue to be tormented for years by their parents’ continual arguing.
And the longer the parental conflict continues, the more serious is the psychological damage to the child. Many children respond to such stress by turning off their feelings and walling up their emotions. Those children are not only deprived of the joys of childhood, but they often find themselves emotionally adrift as adults.
It’s important for parents to remember that their actions during their divorce can have long-term consequences they might not intend. A mother who forbids her daughter from seeing her adulterous father, for instance, is laying the groundwork for her daughter to be distrusting of all men, thus potentially sabotaging the child’s intimate adult relationships.
Parents must also realize that children often interpret anger between spouses as anger at the children. That is because children are aware, even at an early age, that they are “part mommy,” and “part daddy.” When divorcing couples disparage each other in their children’s presence, their developing self-esteem can take a battering.
Though divorce is never easy on children, such crises are often opportunities in disguise. Because a child’s emotional health after his parents’ divorce is so dependent on his parents’ behavior during the divorce, the separation process is a good time for parents to reflect on their children’s well-being and, if necessary, seek out professional help for themselves and their children.
It may even be necessary for children to spend some time alone with a counselor who might detect hidden messages in a child’s artwork or storytelling.
Avoiding a custody fight is one of the most important things parents can do to ensure their children’s well-being after divorce. But even children whose parents are not fighting over custody can also be wounded by the anger being vented between both parents, and should be spared from that as much as possible.
