Westchester Divorce Blog

Here is Part 3 of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers’ publication, Stepping Back from Anger:

Helping children heal begins before any legal papers are filed, with how and when parents tell their children about their decision to break up. 



The first words children hear about the divorce should be from their parents, as soon after the decision is made as possible.  It is best not to wait until one parent has already moved out of the house. 



Ideally, both parents should be there when the children are told.  If the children are roughly the same age, they should be told at the same time. If there is a substantial age difference, it can be useful to tell them together, and then have separate meetings with the children individually, adapting each explanation to each child’s level of understanding. 



When informing children of an impending divorce, parents should not divulge such details as infidelity or sexual deprivation, and they should not blame one parent or another.  One possible approach is to present the divorce as a solution to the family’s problems, an end to the fighting and tension that have filled the home with anger. 



Honesty is a crucial element in informing children of the split.  They should be told that their lives will change, and that some things, like spending time with the parent they’re not living with most of the time, will be harder. 



Children should be encouraged to talk about their feelings, either with their parents, their friends, or a counselor. 



It is best that parents not ask their children to choose with which parent they would like to live.  If they have an opinion on the matter, it will likely come out unprompted.  If they do not, they should not be put in a position of choosing between one parent and another. 



One custody option to consider is joint custody.  It allows both parents an equal say in decision-making on the child’s behalf, even if physical custody of the child is not 50/50. 



Although sharing parenthood so intimately with someone a parent no longer shares a marriage can be difficult, it is one of the best ways that parents can show their love for their child. 



Most children - in fact, most adults - still dream of being part of a Rockwellian family, with a mommy and a daddy, several happy children, and a dog, all living blissfully under one roof.  But as the American divorce rate skyrockets, that dream is becoming a reality for fewer and fewer families. 



In its place, for both parents and children, are opportunities.  By stepping back from their own anger, divorcing parents can move closer to what should be a common goal for their children - maintaining a nurturing environment and minimizing the potentially traumatic byproducts of the so-called “broken home.” 

June 19th 2008 Posted to Custody and Visitation
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Here is part 2 of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers’ must-read guide for divorcing parents, Stepping Back from Anger:

Roughly one-third of the children of divorce lose contact with one of their parents, depriving them of years of adult guidance, support and love.  But even many of those who remain in touch with both parents are not any better off, as they continue to be tormented for years by their parents’ continual arguing. 



And the longer the parental conflict continues, the more serious is the psychological damage to the child.  Many children respond to such stress by turning off their feelings and walling up their emotions.  Those children are not only deprived of the joys of childhood, but they often find themselves emotionally adrift as adults. 



It’s important for parents to remember that their actions during their divorce can have long-term consequences they might not intend.  A mother who forbids her daughter from seeing her adulterous father, for instance, is laying the groundwork for her daughter to be distrusting of all men, thus potentially sabotaging the child’s intimate adult relationships. 



Parents must also realize that children often interpret anger between spouses as anger at the children.  That is because children are aware, even at an early age, that they are “part mommy,” and “part daddy.”  When divorcing couples disparage each other in their children’s presence, their developing self-esteem can take a battering. 



Though divorce is never easy on children, such crises are often opportunities in disguise.  Because a child’s emotional health after his parents’ divorce is so dependent on his parents’ behavior during the divorce, the separation process is a good time for parents to reflect on their children’s well-being and, if necessary, seek out professional help for themselves and their children. 



It may even be necessary for children to spend some time alone with a counselor who might detect hidden messages in a child’s artwork or storytelling. 



Avoiding a custody fight is one of the most important things parents can do to ensure their children’s well-being after divorce.  But even children whose parents are not fighting over custody can also be wounded by the anger being vented between both parents, and should be spared from that as much as possible.

June 18th 2008 Posted to Custody and Visitation
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The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers has published an excellent guide for parents going through divorce.  It is called “Stepping Back from Anger: Protecting Your Children During Divorce.”  To give it the widest possible audience it deserves, we will post it here in three parts.

Stepping Back from Anger: Protecting Your Children During Divorce: Part 1

Every year, more than 1 million American couples get divorced. For those men and women, it is often the most grueling, emotionally exhausting, and expensive experience they will ever have. 



For their children, it can be even worse. 



Imagine you are six, and suddenly the only people you have ever relied on for food, shelter, and love are at each other’s throats. In your young mind, you conclude that you are the cause of their anger, and that you might get lost in the shuffle. Before you know it, you think to yourself, there won’t be anybody left to scare off the closet monsters. 



To make matters worse, you often find yourself alone in your anguish, as the two people you usually go to for solace - your parents - are too wrapped up in their own anger and grief to be of much help. 



It is unsettling, to say the least. 



As parents, it is not enough to assume that your children will bounce back once the legal machinations of divorce are through. Though many adults find their post-divorce lives are vastly better than their pre-divorce lives, for many children, this is not the case. 



Divorce makes its mark on children both in the short-term and the long-term. Young children whose parents are divorcing often suffer from depression, sleep disorders, loss of self-esteem, poor academic performance, behavioral regression, and a host of other physical and emotional disorders. 



Long after the divorce is final, children of divorce often have trouble entering into committed relationships of their own, fearing their relationships will end as their parents’ did. 



In addition, a Princeton University study showed that children who live apart from one of their parents are more likely to drop out of school, become idle (neither be in school nor have a job), and have a child before reaching 20, than children who live with both parents. Other studies have made similar findings, concluding that the effects of divorce on children are pervasive and insidious. These sad facts make it imperative that divorcing parents put their children before their legal battles. This often means that two people who find it difficult to be in the same room without screaming at each other will have to calmly, deliberately, and most of all, lovingly, make joint decisions about their children’s well-being. 



While it may mean suppressing their anger at a cheating or neglectful spouse, the winners, in the long run, are the children. 



The stakes are obviously quite high. 

June 17th 2008 Posted to Custody and Visitation
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The major difference between divorce and mountain climbing is that divorce is much more difficult.  Just as you would not dream of attempting to scale Mount Everest without the necessary preparation, you should not contemplate divorce without taking five crucial financial steps beforehand. 

1.            Make sure you have access to liquid funds.  There are many reasons why you are going to need access to cash leading up to and during your divorce.  You will need funds to retain an attorney and pay litigation expenses.  Also, you may have to pay living expenses in the event that you and your spouse physically separate.  The more cash to which you have ready access, the better.

2.            Set up a bank account in your sole name and make sure that you have at least one separate credit card.  If an account is held solely in your name, only you will have access to the funds in that account.  However, if you fund your separate account with money from a joint account, the funds in your separate account will still be marital property subject to division.  In that case, you should keep a meticulous accounting of your expenditures.

Divorce cases can be unpredictable.  Because you could find yourself with nowhere else to turn if you need quick access to funds, a credit card in your sole name can be a useful safety net.           

3.            Evaluate joint credit cards, lines of credit, and other liabilities.  If a divorce is imminent, you do not want to be liable on any accounts on which your spouse has charging privileges.  It is not unheard of for an angry spouse, upon learning of a divorce, to go on a shopping spree.  Likewise, some lawyers may advise their clients to take out cash advances on joint cards to provide a cushion while the divorce is pending, or to charge a large amount in attorney’s fees to joint cards.

You should consider fixing or reducing the spending limits on joint credit cards.  Similarly, you should consider restricting access to a joint home equity line of credit pending the resolution of the divorce.

However, before taking any action, discuss these issues with your attorney who can give you the best advice with regard to your particular circumstances.

You should also check your credit report (You can get one free copy per year at www.annualcreditreport.com).  It is not uncommon for one spouse to take out a credit card or a loan or to incur some other debt in joint names without the other spouse’s knowledge. 

4.            Gather and organize financial records and put them in a safe place.  Make sure you know the scope of all the assets - including cash, real estate, investments, retirement, and life insurance - that you own jointly and separately, as well as of all marital debt.  You should also make an inventory of valuables, such as the content of safety deposit boxes, jewelry, artwork and antiques.

In divorce, knowledge is power.  But it has to be documented knowledge.  It is not good enough for you to simply “know it.”  You have to have the paper trail to prove it.  If possible, get copies of financial statements, tax returns, retirement plan documents, brokerage statements, and insurance policies for the last five years.  And keep these records in a safe place.

5.            Consult with a good divorce lawyer.  Do not rely on the advice of friends and family who have gone through a divorce for advice on the potential financial consequences that divorce would entail for you.  You should consult with an attorney who focuses his/her practice on matrimonial and family law and who can give you sound, tailored advice based on the unique facts and circumstances of your particular case. 

June 13th 2008 Posted to Finances
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Jennifer Murray, entertainer Bill Murray’s wife of 11 years, has filed for divorce, alleging that he was abusive and is addicted to marijuana and alcohol.

On May 12^th, Jennifer Butler Murray filed papers in Charleston County, South Carolina.  She and the couple’s four children live together in a home she owns on Sullivan’s Island, South Carolina.  The suit also alleges frequent abandonment.

The couple signed a pre-nuptial agreement before their marriage in 1997.  It was filed as an exhibit with the divorce papers.  As part of this pre-nup, both parties waived their right to alimony or support in case of a break-up.  However, Murray agreed that in the event of divorce, he would pay his wife $7 million within 60 days of the final divorce decree.

According to the complaint, Murray would allegedly frequently leave the family, without informing his wife, to engage in public and private altercations and sexual liaisons.

The suit also claims that Murray physically abused his wife, specifically citing a November incident in which he struck her in the face and said that she had been “lucky he didn’t kill her.”

Closer to home, another celebrity divorce is coming to a head.  Supermodel Christie Brinckley and her fourth husband, Peter Cook, will go to trial in Suffolk County, Long Island, on July 2^nd, to fight over child custody and finances.  Given the charged atmosphere and accusations flying back and forth at the preliminary court appearances, this trial promises to provide lots of fodder for the gossip media.

Original Source:  CNN.com, May 29, 2008 

June 12th 2008 Posted to Celebrity Divorce
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With the ongoing war in Iraq in its sixth year, and many soldiers from the U.S. military on their third or fourth combat tours, the divorce rate among military personnel is soaring.

According to David Smith of The Guardian, last year, there were approximately 8,700 divorces that involved American soldiers, in comparison to 2001 when there were an estimated 5,500.

According to James Pritchard, a chaplain at Loyalty Base in east Baghdad, since the beginning of the year, he had 38 soldiers referred to him to discuss marital issues. He estimated that 10 of them told him that they had discovered or found evidence that their spouse was leaving them or seeing another person.

Pritchard said that marital problems are a big issue, particularly among younger soldiers who have wed a person they have not known long.  He notes that suddenly spouses States side find that they have extra income, and the “spouse at home” lifestyle is convenient for extra-marital affairs.  Pritchard says that there have even been instances of soldiers going home to find the house empty with the spouse and kids gone.

Original Source:  PressTV, June 2, 2008

June 11th 2008 Posted to Miscellaneous
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Why do couples get divorced?  Although each relationship is unique, the reasons for splitting up are not as varied as you may think.

The five main reasons why marriages fail are:

• Communication Problems.  Many couples have trouble with communication even before they say, “I do.”  People may not make their expectations clear, or may simply fail to bring up important issues for fear of how their beloved will react.  It is vitally important to discuss your feelings about things that are personally important to you, but few couples actively practice this habit.  There are some couples that will ignore or gloss over little problems and small irritants between them before they get married, only to discover that these issues have grown exponentially to become a major source of friction after marriage.
  Bottom line:  If there is an issue that you feel that you cannot talk to your partner about before you get married, that is a definite red flag for problems after you get married.  Now is the time to lay your cards on the table so that the two of you can play with a full deck after the marriage.
   
• Financial Issues.  It is often said that money is the last thing people talk about before they get married, and the first thing they fight about after they get married.  Married couples often quarrel over issues like shared financial responsibility, unequal financial status, undisclosed or hidden assets, overspending, and lack of financial support.  Money is not always the sole or primary factor in divorce, but it is often the single most significant factor.  The root cause, once again, is the lack of communication between spouses about financial matters.
   
• Abuse and Addiction.  All forms of abuse can reap havoc on a marriage, not just physical abuse.  Sexual abuse, verbal abuse, and emotional abuse can be equally devastating.  Often, one spouse’s own demons – in the form of drug or alcohol abuse, or a gambling addiction – can place unbearable strain on a marriage.
   
• Marital Infidelity.  The infidelity of one spouse may irreparably destroy the trust that lies at the core of the marital relationship, and may cause the other to seek a divorce.
   
• Sexual Problems.  If there are unresolved issues of sexual dysfunction or disinterest that persist, it could become a cause for divorce.

Original Source:  “5 Main Reasons of Divorce” published at IVPeacefest. 

June 10th 2008 Posted to General
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We are Willem and Margaretha Gravett, and we are the founding partners of Gravett & Gravett, a husband-and-wife boutique law firm focusing on matrimonial and family law.

We want the best for your family, just as we do for our own.

Our law firm is different from the “traditional” Westchester matrimonial law firms in the following ways:

·      No hourly fees – When we billed by the hour, our clients wanted everything done with as little communication as possible – for fear of the bill they would receive.  We want to hear from our clients and we want to answer their questions.  So, we threw out the time clocks.  Nothing we do is billed on an hourly basis.  We work on a fixed fee, agreed-upon in advance, so that there are never any surprises.

·      Secure client extranet – We provide consistent, proactive updates to our clients via our secure client extranet.  Our clients have 24/7 access to all the documents, important dates, and the status of their cases.  They enjoy the peace of mind of knowing exactly what is going on – in real time.

·      Your Personal Family Lawyers™ for life – We see our clients’ divorce cases as the beginning of our relationship, not as one-time transactional events.  We value being our clients’ trusted advisors for life.  After their divorces, we also help them to get their estate plans in order so that they can transfer their whole wealth – their financial, intellectual, and spiritual assets – to their loved ones.

At Gravett & Gravett, our clients are at the core of everything we do.

One of the ways in which we want to demonstrate our commitment to client care and service excellence is to reach out to the Westchester community through this blog. 

We know that divorce or separation can have a devastating impact on your family relationships and finances for the rest of your life.  The decisions that you make now will be critically important to your children, your finances, and your future.   

The purpose of the Westchester Divorce Blog is to provide you with helpful information as you navigate through this painful process, and to alleviate the stress, anxiety, and confusion inherent in divorce, custody, and other matrimonial and family law matters.

June 09th 2008 Posted to Uncategorized
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