Westchester Divorce Blog

We have all seen the commercials about doing your own will by buying a template online.  These commercials claim they can guide you through a divorce for a couple of hundred dollars, no muss, and no fuss.  Would I recommend anyone use this method?  No.

Divorce is too complicated to be done through one-size-fits-all templates.  It is a way to legally dissolve a marriage, and it involves not only the two parties – the husband and wife – but also the State.  There are legal issues both parties must agree to, documents that must be completed and filed with the Court, and a myriad of issues that usually come up along the way.

Moreover, there are reported cases of couples that find out, years after signing an online divorce agreement, that they were not, in fact, legally divorced.  Also, bear in mind that States differ in their criteria for divorce, and some of these online services may not be up to date on the subtle differences between State laws.

In my experience, if both spouses have the wherewithal and maturity to work together to dissolve their marriage, the best way to do that is through collaborative law or mediation.  In such cases, lawyers make sure that all the documents are correct and that there are no loose ends.  It might be more expensive than the online version, but it will be worth more than the paper it is written on.

November 13th 2008 Posted to General
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Non pet owners might look at the headline above and shake their heads wondering what’s the fuss about the family pet, or in some cases, horse? But for those of us who have pets in the family the question is a real one, and something that does come up with surprising frequency in divorces around the country.

It’s such a compelling issue that a recent book, “We Can’t Stay Together for the Dogs: Doing What’s Best For Your Dog when Your Relationship Breaks,” by Jennifer Keene, is devoted to the subject.

Let’s start with the premise that pets are family members.  Emotionally that is obviously the case, but, in the eyes of the law, pets are property, no different than a couch or a brokerage account.  Since neither spouse in a divorce usually shares that view, it is best to work out pet custody without a judge’s input, whenever possible.  Like any emotional issue, there are elements to consider, according to the book. Things such as:

·      Put the pet’s needs first.  If you have children, wouldn’t the pet be better off staying with the spouse who has primary custody?

·      Be fair to the pet.  What is in its best interest?  Issues such as age, temperament, and the general health of the animal should be used to evaluate these criteria.

·      Can you work out some sort of visitation so that both parties have individual time with the pet?

Divorce is hard enough, and if you are involved in an adversarial process, your pet may turn out to be an innocent pawn in the negotiations.  This is one area where I advocate working it out between the two parties without lawyers or the Court.  There are enough contentious points with which you are going to need the help of a good attorney.  This shouldn’t be one of them.

November 12th 2008 Posted to General
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Professionals like me see first-hand how stressful divorce can be for the two parties involved.  Imagine being a child, and having to go through this as an innocent bystander.  Make no mistake - divorce takes a terrible toll on kids too.  Even relatively simple and amicable divorces are tough on children.  So a top priority of every divorcing couple should be the welfare and protection of their children.

Most children of divorce are hurt by the break-up of their family.  Divorce is hard enough on kids, but the negative impact can be exacerbated by the behaviors of the divorcing parents.  How you treat your ex spouse before, during and after divorce, matters.  One of the best things that you can do for your child is to do everything you can to cooperate with your former spouse, setting aside pettiness and bickering.  Children love both parents and don’t want to feel caught in the cross-fire.

Some tips to remember:

·      Try not to introduce too much change for your kids too soon.  Try and leave them in a comfortable environment like their home, school and the ability to see friends.

·      Don’t turn your kids into messengers.  If you have something to say to your ex, say it directly.  Don’t try to communicate through your children.  That just torques up the pressure and also puts them in a terrible position.

·      Try not to argue with your ex in front of the children.  This is hard to do, but essential.  You may not agree on much, but children seeing and hearing the rancor you express puts them in the middle of your angst.  I’m sure both of you can agree that this is not a burden any child should have to bear.

·      Be consistent with discipline.  Children are quick to play one parent off against the other if they sense dissension in the parental ranks.  Kids need structure, and you and your ex should devise a system of discipline that mirrors one another.  This is very helpful for kids, most professionals believe.  

·      No putdown of the ex to the children.  People slide into this one too easily.  Fight the urge, because it is not good for your children.  If you need a therapist, get one.  Trashing your ex to your kids is not therapy.

At the end of the day, you want to be happy and move on with your post-divorce lives.  Children need your love and care, and by turning down the intensity and thinking of what is best for them, all of you will be happier in the long run. 

November 10th 2008 Posted to Custody and Visitation
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Real divorce is hard enough for most people, but a woman in Japan was recently arrested for committing a real crime after her “virtual husband” divorced her.

A 43-year old woman’s unexpected divorce in a virtual game world made her so angry that she killed her online husband’s digital persona.  No big deal, right?  Well, in order to kill his avatar she allegedly hacked into his account.

Apparently, the woman accessed a computer and manipulated electronic data by using his identification and password to log onto the popular interactive game “Maple Story” to carry out the virtual murder, police in Sapporo, Japan said.  The woman lives 620 miles from Sapporo, but her victim lives there.  When confronted by police during the investigation, the woman admitted the crime and said she did it because she was angry at her online husband for divorcing her.

She did not plan any real life revenge towards the man, except for hacking into his account on the game.  If convicted, she faces up to five years in prison, or a fine up to $5,000.

Players in “Maple Story” raise and manipulate digital images called “avatars” that represent themselves, while engaging in relationships, social activities, and fighting against monsters and other obstacles.

Emotions and feelings play large roles in real divorces, and we all need to be mindful of that.  This somewhat humorous example is a reminder of that reality. 

November 06th 2008 Posted to General
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I recently heard a story about a very ugly divorce that gave me reason to pause.  It was drawn-out, it had lots of animus, and friends of each spouse completely supported the party they were closest to during and after the divorce.  When the marriage ended, friends of the ex-husband no longer talked to the ex-wife and vice versa.

Guess what?  That couple, who caused friends to take sides, are soon to be remarried.  So what happens to the friends?  What are they supposed to do?  Apologize to the “other” side, or pretend nothing happened?  Go into counseling forever to sort out the emotional dilemma these friends have caused?

Divorce has a ripple effect far beyond the two spouses involved.  We all know how divorce affects children, and how divorce can affect productivity at work.  Rarely, however, do couples consider other repercussions to their decision to get a divorce.  Maybe, in part, they should.

For instance, what happens if you go to a party and run into a friend who was on the other side in your divorce?  If you really liked that person, should you try and reestablish that friendship?  Or have the bruises from the divorce left emotional scars that may never heal?

While I am not advocating considering the feelings of friends when couples decide to get divorced, I am a firm believer that how you go about it is often as important as making the decision to divorce itself.

Mediation, collaborative law, sorting out your feelings in therapy are all tools people can use when going through this very painful process.  Don’t ask your friends to take sides, and don’t badmouth your spouse. Remember, at some point your divorce will be over and life will go on. Friendships can last forever, even when marriages don’t. 

November 02nd 2008 Posted to General
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That’s a question that can have different answers depending upon who you talk to and which TV networks you watch.

NBC recently aired a report that said divorces are down because of the down economy.  The story theorized that people are staying together for purely financial reasons.

Sounds simple enough.   A story in a Florida newspaper seems to back that up.  Divorce filings in one county are down 18%.  The story noted real estate prices have also dropped 20% in roughly the same time period.  Okay, point proven, right?

Not so fast.  ABC aired a story with a different thesis.  That network’s report claimed divorces are up because economic issues put additional strain on already troubled marriages.

A New York attorney told the network that divorces have spiked 20% in recent months as bad news seemingly hits Wall Street every week.   The story basically said that when financial woes walk in the front door, love walks out the back door.

I can see arguments for both of these diametrically opposite stories.  The bottom line is that money is always an issue in a marriage.  Popular wisdom holds that money is the last thing that couples talk about before they get married, but the first thing they fight about after marriage.

 In a very real sense (especially these days), money will be one of the most important issues in your divorce.  So find a good lawyer, sit down and go over the finances and all the other issues, and figure out together the best path to dissolving your marriage without losing your shirt, financially or emotionally.

Trends come and go.  But divorce is about your life.  Make sure that whatever you do is not a knee jerk reaction to news events.  If you are headed for divorce, make sober decisions based on what you really want, not the latest story you read or watch on television.

October 30th 2008 Posted to General
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It used to be all the rage for couples wanting to dissolve their marriage to hop on a plane and fly to Mexico to get a quickie divorce.  The Mexican government has changed the law and now no one flies to Mexico for a divorce.  The lightning fast divorce country currently in vogue is the Dominican Republic.  But like most things that promise speed, you need to read the fine print and understand the possible pitfalls.

The laws in the Dominican Republic seem clear enough – they waive requirements including residency and waiting periods those seeking divorce, including foreigners.  Only one party need attend the hearing in Santo Domingo, and whoosh, in 24 hours you too can join the legions of the divorced.  The non-attending spouse can sign a special power of attorney form to be represented by a local attorney

The Dominican Republic is a pretty short plane ride away from the East Coast, and close to the US Virgin Islands.  Seems like an ideal solution to those seeking to quickly sever legal ties with a spouse, right?

Not so fast.  First of all, these types of divorces are usually very simple ones, without complications.  If you and your spouse have a decent sized marital estate and you do not agree completely on how it should be divided, going overseas isn’t going to work.

Another problem is that the United States Supreme Court has ruled that all unilateral foreign divorces, where only one party signs the paperwork, are invalid.

Therefore, your best chance of getting a fairly quick divorce is to proceed through collaborative law, mediation, or old-fashioned negotiations.  In this way, you can find common ground and move on with the rest of your post-divorced life, without having to worry that your quickie divorce may not be worth the paper it is written on. 

October 26th 2008 Posted to General, Uncategorized
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Hiring a good attorney in whom you have faith is one way to keep the stress down during the course of a divorce action.  But divorce is a protracted process, and you’ll need more than just a lawyer to get through it as unscathed as possible.

One strategy is to consider mediation rather than confrontation.  We are huge believers in the process known as collaborative law.  Both sides work together to resolve issues, and this approach can simplify matters and create a more harmonious relationship going forward.

But when collaboration or mediation are not the answer, you’ll still need to keep stress at a low simmer point and remain healthy.  Remember, divorce is not a sprint; it’s a marathon.  Below are a few tips to help you go the distance:

- Cook your own food.  It’s a great way to eat healthy.  If you don’t know how to prepare nutritious meals, take a class.  You can meet new people and learn the tricks to flavorful and healthy eating.

- Go to the gym. Many of us have memberships but don’t make time for the gym.  Make the time – you will feel better, not only physically but also emotionally.  Yoga is an excellent choice.

-  Socialize. Get together with old friends or make new ones. Having the ability to bounce ideas off people who care about you is an ideal stress release.

- Have fun. Whether it’s taking a class, going to the gym, or just walking around the neighborhood, divorce is a good time to reset your priorities and create new habits that will make you happy. 

October 23rd 2008 Posted to General
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There is no doubt that divorce takes its toll on the two spouses.  But we should all remember that the ripple effects of a marital break-up go far beyond just the two parties involved in the legal proceedings.  Friends are impacted, neighbors sometimes, relatives usually, but children always experience the divorce of their parents in profound ways.

One of your responsibilities is to minimize the impact on your kids.  And you are going to need help.  Friends and family can be of inestimable help.  So can clergy.  Therapy is another option, and many health plans do offer some sort of assistance in defraying the cost of individual therapy.

Another way to gain insight is to read helpful books written by professionals in the field of child psychology.  A new one that seems to be resonating across the country and has been buzzing on the internet is “Keeping Kids out of the Middle,” written by Benjamin Garber, Ph.D., a licensed child psychologist in New Hampshire.

One of the main tenets of the book is to always be mindful that kids get caught in the middle of something over which they have no control.  They are sometimes used as spies and/or messengers – a position no child should have to be in.  The author suggests practicing what he calls “child-centered parenting,” which focuses on skills that will help your kids to not only cope with your divorce, but also to keep them emotionally and psychologically healthy throughout their lives.

Our law practice also stresses resolving conflict, not only to make the divorce smoother for the parents, but also for the children.  Too often kids are left battered and bruised in the process.   Books like this and law firms like ours are out there not only to buffet that, but also to actually create positive traction for them.  Talk about turning lemons into lemonade! 

October 20th 2008 Posted to Custody and Visitation
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The issue of personal property is one that couples often spend countless hours – and thousands of dollars – arguing over.  Things such as lamps, rugs, even old CDs and baseball cards, seem to have an emotional pull on couples dividing up their assets 

An interesting case decided in Oregon recently concerned which spouse owned frozen embryos that had never been implanted in the wife during the course of the marriage.  Both former spouses were medical professionals, the wife a pediatrician, and her ex-husband an orthodontist.  He wanted to donate the embryos to couples that might want them and she wanted them destroyed.  The couple’s earlier agreement on this issue prevailed, and the embryos were ultimately destroyed.

This personal property case certainly had more emotional issues than deciding who gets the living room lamp, but it does raise some interesting points.  So let’s outline some of the ways to determine the ownership of personal property:

- Personal property owned by you prior to marriage is your separate property and there is no lingering legal question about it. Make sure to identify any such items to your attorney so that they may be identified as your separate property in your stipulation of settlement.

- Gifts to you during your marriage from third parties are likewise your separate property.

- Gifts to you during the marriage from your spouse is marital property and subject to equitable distribution.

- The wife’s engagement ring deserves special mention: it becomes her separate property the moment the parties get married.  However, any other gifts of jewelry from one spouse to the other during the marriage is marital property.

- Property that you accumulate after the date of commencement of the divorce action (when the summons is filed) belongs to you and is not subject to distribution.

When in doubt, ask your attorney. 

October 19th 2008 Posted to Uncategorized
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