Getting it Right the Second Time
Okay, let’s say you’ve gotten your divorce, everything is as close to normal as you imagined and you’ve moved on. The kids are relatively happy; you’ve been dating for a while and actually found someone special and decided to remarry. Everything will be different with your new spouse because you have learned your lessons, right? Not so fast.
National studies have shown that second marriages fail at a higher rate than first marriages – 60% versus 50%. At first glance the number looks surprising. But if you dig beneath the surface it is not really all that shocking.
Why not? Human nature. The old adage that lightning doesn’t strike twice turns out not to be true. There are actually people who are human lightning rods and have been zapped time and again. I don’t want to compare marriage to lightning, but the point is: Don’t assume that all you need to do is find someone new and different than your first spouse, and you will have the storybook ending you always thought was your birthright.
Nobody should look at these stats and conclude they are destined to be divorced twice, but the reasons second marriages fail are strikingly similar to first divorces. The same issues that roiled in your first marriage can rear up in the second.
What can you do to tip the odds in your favor? Plenty, and here are some tips:
- Check and make sure that you and your intended new spouse are on the same page about money, interests, religion, disciplining children, sex and household chores.
- Be clear to yourself why your first marriage ended. Have you worked out those issues so they won’t roar back in your second marriage?
- Don’t rush into anything until you are pretty certain this person is right for you and not just filling a need.
- Talk about your fears, concerns and questions with the person you want to marry.
Most of the issues raised above fall under the same general heading. That is COMMUNICATION. If you properly communicate with yourself and with the man or woman you have decided to marry, many of the pitfalls can be avoided.
Marriage can be sweeter the second time around. So by all means fall in love. And talk . . . a lot.
(By the way, don’t even think of tying the knot again without a pre-nup. A pre-nup is so essential that we call them “Smart-Nups.” For all the reasons why, see our post on July 16, 2008, entitled Why Divorce is So Expensive (and How a “Smart-Nup” Can Help).)
