That’s a question that can have different answers depending upon who you talk to and which TV networks you watch.

NBC recently aired a report that said divorces are down because of the down economy.  The story theorized that people are staying together for purely financial reasons.

Sounds simple enough.   A story in a Florida newspaper seems to back that up.  Divorce filings in one county are down 18%.  The story noted real estate prices have also dropped 20% in roughly the same time period.  Okay, point proven, right?

Not so fast.  ABC aired a story with a different thesis.  That network’s report claimed divorces are up because economic issues put additional strain on already troubled marriages.

A New York attorney told the network that divorces have spiked 20% in recent months as bad news seemingly hits Wall Street every week.   The story basically said that when financial woes walk in the front door, love walks out the back door.

I can see arguments for both of these diametrically opposite stories.  The bottom line is that money is always an issue in a marriage.  Popular wisdom holds that money is the last thing that couples talk about before they get married, but the first thing they fight about after marriage.

 In a very real sense (especially these days), money will be one of the most important issues in your divorce.  So find a good lawyer, sit down and go over the finances and all the other issues, and figure out together the best path to dissolving your marriage without losing your shirt, financially or emotionally.

Trends come and go.  But divorce is about your life.  Make sure that whatever you do is not a knee jerk reaction to news events.  If you are headed for divorce, make sober decisions based on what you really want, not the latest story you read or watch on television.

October 30th 2008 Posted to General
Comments(0) |  Email This Post

It used to be all the rage for couples wanting to dissolve their marriage to hop on a plane and fly to Mexico to get a quickie divorce.  The Mexican government has changed the law and now no one flies to Mexico for a divorce.  The lightning fast divorce country currently in vogue is the Dominican Republic.  But like most things that promise speed, you need to read the fine print and understand the possible pitfalls.

The laws in the Dominican Republic seem clear enough – they waive requirements including residency and waiting periods those seeking divorce, including foreigners.  Only one party need attend the hearing in Santo Domingo, and whoosh, in 24 hours you too can join the legions of the divorced.  The non-attending spouse can sign a special power of attorney form to be represented by a local attorney

The Dominican Republic is a pretty short plane ride away from the East Coast, and close to the US Virgin Islands.  Seems like an ideal solution to those seeking to quickly sever legal ties with a spouse, right?

Not so fast.  First of all, these types of divorces are usually very simple ones, without complications.  If you and your spouse have a decent sized marital estate and you do not agree completely on how it should be divided, going overseas isn’t going to work.

Another problem is that the United States Supreme Court has ruled that all unilateral foreign divorces, where only one party signs the paperwork, are invalid.

Therefore, your best chance of getting a fairly quick divorce is to proceed through collaborative law, mediation, or old-fashioned negotiations.  In this way, you can find common ground and move on with the rest of your post-divorced life, without having to worry that your quickie divorce may not be worth the paper it is written on. 

October 26th 2008 Posted to General, Uncategorized
Comments(0) |  Email This Post

Hiring a good attorney in whom you have faith is one way to keep the stress down during the course of a divorce action.  But divorce is a protracted process, and you’ll need more than just a lawyer to get through it as unscathed as possible.

One strategy is to consider mediation rather than confrontation.  We are huge believers in the process known as collaborative law.  Both sides work together to resolve issues, and this approach can simplify matters and create a more harmonious relationship going forward.

But when collaboration or mediation are not the answer, you’ll still need to keep stress at a low simmer point and remain healthy.  Remember, divorce is not a sprint; it’s a marathon.  Below are a few tips to help you go the distance:

- Cook your own food.  It’s a great way to eat healthy.  If you don’t know how to prepare nutritious meals, take a class.  You can meet new people and learn the tricks to flavorful and healthy eating.

- Go to the gym. Many of us have memberships but don’t make time for the gym.  Make the time – you will feel better, not only physically but also emotionally.  Yoga is an excellent choice.

-  Socialize. Get together with old friends or make new ones. Having the ability to bounce ideas off people who care about you is an ideal stress release.

- Have fun. Whether it’s taking a class, going to the gym, or just walking around the neighborhood, divorce is a good time to reset your priorities and create new habits that will make you happy. 

October 23rd 2008 Posted to General
Comments(0) |  Email This Post

Okay, let’s say you’ve gotten your divorce, everything is as close to normal as you imagined and you’ve moved on.  The kids are relatively happy; you’ve been dating for a while and actually found someone special and decided to remarry.  Everything will be different with your new spouse because you have learned your lessons, right?  Not so fast. 

National studies have shown that second marriages fail at a higher rate than first marriages – 60% versus 50%.  At first glance the number looks surprising. But if you dig beneath the surface it is not really all that shocking. 

Why not?  Human nature.  The old adage that lightning doesn’t strike twice turns out not to be true.  There are actually people who are human lightning rods and have been zapped time and again.  I don’t want to compare marriage to lightning, but the point is: Don’t assume that all you need to do is find someone new and different than your first spouse, and you will have the storybook ending you always thought was your birthright. 

Nobody should look at these stats and conclude they are destined to be divorced twice, but the reasons second marriages fail are strikingly similar to first divorces.  The same issues that roiled in your first marriage can rear up in the second.

What can you do to tip the odds in your favor? Plenty, and here are some tips: 

- Check and make sure that you and your intended new spouse are on the same page about money, interests, religion, disciplining children, sex and household chores.

- Be clear to yourself why your first marriage ended. Have you worked out those issues so they won’t roar back in your second marriage?

- Don’t rush into anything until you are pretty certain this person is right for you and not just filling a need.

- Talk about your fears, concerns and questions with the person you want to marry.

Most of the issues raised above fall under the same general heading.  That is COMMUNICATION.  If you properly communicate with yourself and with the man or woman you have decided to marry, many of the pitfalls can be avoided.

Marriage can be sweeter the second time around.  So by all means fall in love.  And talk . . . a lot.

(By the way, don’t even think of tying the knot again without a pre-nup.  A pre-nup is so essential that we call them “Smart-Nups.”  For all the reasons why, see our post on July 16, 2008, entitled Why Divorce is So Expensive (and How a “Smart-Nup” Can Help).)

September 28th 2008 Posted to General
Comments(0) |  Email This Post

This article was posted on the Georgia Family Law Blog.  It is an insightful look at divorce from the perspective of a seasoned divorce lawyer:

1. What behavior of clients still surprises you?


That couples who did not get along during their marriage expect a divorce judge to suddenly make them cooperate with each other.

2. What determines how fast a divorce can be obtained?


The psychological point the parties are at.  Some are ready to end it, get on with their life.  Others use the process as a catharsis to re-live their entire marriage, vent their frustration and assert blame.

3. What is the best advice to give to a non-custodial parent?


Be polite and kind to the custodial parent.  They control access to your children. Regardless of your visitation, the custodial parent has tremendous control.  You may be rude behind their back but never to their face. It’s a game you need to learn to play well or you could lose something greater than your pride.

4. What is the best advice to give a custodial parent?


Let your ex have the children as much as they will take them.  You need a break.  They are the perfect babysitter.  You know they will take care of them and if they are around the children a lot, they will be more sensitive to their needs.

5. Does joint custody work?


It can.  Some people are naturals at it; others need a little help.  A child psychologist can help those who don’t realize they have damaging behavior.  Putting the child in the middle and parental alienation are classic problems in joint custody.

6. What is the worst fear of most women?


That their spouse will fight them for custody.

7. Do most men fight for custody?


There are two categories of those who do: Men who honestly want custody.  And men who want to scare their wives into accepting less child support provided they later relinquish the fight.

8. How can you tell the difference?


From the obvious. Those who never spend any time with their children prior to the divorce; those who travel and are never home; those who have girlfriends. Those guys don’t want custody.

9. Any way to control those who are insincere?


For the ones who are just using custody as a fear factor, you should call their bluff.  Offer them custody and watch them run.

10. Does guilt play a part in the outcome of a divorce?


Yes.  Usually the party that seeks the divorce is willing to take less.  Men who want the divorce and have children are willing to pay more support and often give up the house to the wife and children.

11. Does mediation work?


If you have an experienced mediator, you can usually resolve some of the issues.  The mediator’s experience should match the sophistication of the parties.

12. Does the personality of the parties influence the Judge?


Yes. I like to find out what question I need to ask to make their spouse mad and that is the first one I ask.

13. How do you prepare your client for trial?


I prepare and go over their questions and answers in advance. That way they know at least 50% of what is going to happen.

14. What is the best advice you can give your client in the courtroom?


The judge determines everything.  Although the judge doesn’t ask the questions, you should look at the judge when you answer.  It is his courtroom.  Get him involved.  Read the situation.  If he looks bored or disinterested, make your answers short.  Be respectful.  Don’t argue with the opposing attorney and never, never argue with the judge.

15. What practical considerations should a party consider when testifying?


The judge makes a decision based on a very limited view of the situation.  In doing so, perception becomes reality.  If one witness is better organized, more articulate, the judge can understand their testimony.  For someone to make a decision, they have to be able to understand the facts.  Disorganized testimony is difficult to follow.  Also. perception gives credibility.  Witnesses who are neat and clean and speak in an even tone without anger or bitterness are received as more truthful.  Arrogance is a certain loser.  Create advantages.  If no one believes you, your evidence and testimony loses its importance.

CLOSING THOUGHTS: I am assisting people at a very difficult time in their life when they are called upon to make major decisions when they are not emotionally prepared to make them.  I try to give them a sense of control over a situation that appears out of control.  I try and give them feedback on how their behavior will be perceived to the Court and suggest approaches that will reflect more favorably on them.  I strive to narrow the issues to the best settlement possible so they can determine if it’s a settlement they can live with, or whether they would rather take their chances with the decision of the Judge.  Often times, a judge will be fairer than the person you have been married to.

ORIGINAL SOURCE: DivorceNet

July 09th 2008 Posted to General
Comments(0) |  Email This Post

A recent story in the International Herald Tribune  described how an ex-wife of health company mogul, Mark Hughes, testified that she hired Anthony Pellicano, a private investigator, during the couple’s divorce case, but did not authorize him to use a wiretap on the Herbalife co-founder.

Suzan Hughes said that she was played a tape of a phone call Pellicano illegally intercepted between Hughes and Bill Gillespie, the husband of her sister.  After hearing the tape, was convinced Gillespie was not on her side in the divorce battle.

Pellicano, 64, has been accused of running a criminal enterprise, which has taken actions such as tapping phones and bribing police to gather dirt on celebrities such as Sylvester Stallone and Gary Shandling in order to aid his clients in gaining an advantage in legal and other disputes.
Pellicano and four co-defendants pled not guilty to various charges.

According to the prosecution, between September 1997 and March 1998, Pellicano listened to the telephone calls of Hughes.

During her testimony Suzan Hughes also said that during her divorce proceedings in the late 1990s, she had hired Pellicano to investigate Hughes and Darcy LaPier, his mistress at the time.  LaPier, ex-wife of actor Jean-Claude Van Damme, later married Hughes.

In May of 2000, Hughes passed away due to an overdose of alcohol and anti-depressant medication.  Last year, his estate filed a civil suit against Suzan Hughes, Pellicano, and others in connection with the wiretapping. That case is still pending.

Actor Keith Carradine also testified.  Sandra Will Carradine, his former wife, hired Pellicano in order to investigate him during a bitter court proceeding.  She pled guilty to two perjury counts and is expected to be called as a witness for the prosecution next week.

There is a lesson here for everyone going through a divorce in New York:  It is illegal (read: criminal) to record phone calls between your spouse and another party.  It is generally permissible to record telephone conversations to which you are a party.  However, please talk to your divorce lawyer about when it is and is not legally permissible to record phone calls before you do.

July 06th 2008 Posted to General
Comments(0) |  Email This Post

Why do couples get divorced?  Although each relationship is unique, the reasons for splitting up are not as varied as you may think.

The five main reasons why marriages fail are:

• Communication Problems.  Many couples have trouble with communication even before they say, “I do.”  People may not make their expectations clear, or may simply fail to bring up important issues for fear of how their beloved will react.  It is vitally important to discuss your feelings about things that are personally important to you, but few couples actively practice this habit.  There are some couples that will ignore or gloss over little problems and small irritants between them before they get married, only to discover that these issues have grown exponentially to become a major source of friction after marriage.
  Bottom line:  If there is an issue that you feel that you cannot talk to your partner about before you get married, that is a definite red flag for problems after you get married.  Now is the time to lay your cards on the table so that the two of you can play with a full deck after the marriage.
   
• Financial Issues.  It is often said that money is the last thing people talk about before they get married, and the first thing they fight about after they get married.  Married couples often quarrel over issues like shared financial responsibility, unequal financial status, undisclosed or hidden assets, overspending, and lack of financial support.  Money is not always the sole or primary factor in divorce, but it is often the single most significant factor.  The root cause, once again, is the lack of communication between spouses about financial matters.
   
• Abuse and Addiction.  All forms of abuse can reap havoc on a marriage, not just physical abuse.  Sexual abuse, verbal abuse, and emotional abuse can be equally devastating.  Often, one spouse’s own demons – in the form of drug or alcohol abuse, or a gambling addiction – can place unbearable strain on a marriage.
   
• Marital Infidelity.  The infidelity of one spouse may irreparably destroy the trust that lies at the core of the marital relationship, and may cause the other to seek a divorce.
   
• Sexual Problems.  If there are unresolved issues of sexual dysfunction or disinterest that persist, it could become a cause for divorce.

Original Source:  “5 Main Reasons of Divorce” published at IVPeacefest. 

June 10th 2008 Posted to General
Comments(0) |  Email This Post