Westchester Divorce Blog

The biggest mistake you can make during divorce is to have too much time on your hands.  Being idle during this process is to be avoided, because for most people divorce is a difficult process, and you will need distractions to help you cope.

Children may be one thing to focus on, but they can’t be all you have going on.  If you work, great!  Work can be the greatest distraction of all, because it has nothing to do with your spouse and everything to do with you.  For those who haven’t had a job in a while and need to brush up on their skills, you are in luck.  These days there are many alternatives for repositioning your skills for jobs in the 21^st century.

·      Local four year and/or community colleges – Community college classes are usually very inexpensive. There are also great networking opportunities in a college setting.

·      On-line schools – These are popping up in increasing numbers and some of them are quite good.  I would suggest doing a search on any on-line school you are considering to see if graduates have good things to say about it.

·      Volunteering – This is a great way to meet new people in a low-stress way, commiserate over your lives, and sometimes develop new skill sets in a less competitive environment.

·      Re-connect with old friends.  They know you, and if they find you in a rut they can help pull you out.

These are but a few examples of things you can do to keep busy during divorce.  Friends, relatives, clergy, and your lawyer might have some more ideas.  Be open, and maybe you will discover things you’ve never even considered before.

January 19th 2009 Posted to General
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I am not someone who subscribes to the idea of New Year’s resolutions. How many people have promised to lose weight, take better care of themselves, eat better, and promise to be nicer to  . . .? But when it comes to people going through a divorce, taking stock in the beginning of the year makes sense.  Spend some time writing down things you’d like to accomplish, and create a plan that will work for you and your circumstances.

Always keep in mind these should be realistic goals, not difficult to reach dreams.   Some examples might include:

·      If you didn’t work hard enough to establish a working dialogue with your former spouse, a new year can act as a starting point to try something new.  Create a working partnership with regard to child-rearing and other parental issues.

·      Join a group of people who share your interests

·      Reconnect with old friends

·      Set aside time for you to be with your kids

·      Be good to yourself

None of these things require massive infusions of cash, but a little planning, some workable goals, and a good attitude looking forward can help make 2009 a better year that 2008.  So Happy New Year to everyone!

January 11th 2009 Posted to General
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The Christmas Eve massacre in California has raised a lot of significant questions, and some of these questions center around the couple’s recent divorce.  There are some hard lessons that anyone who is going through divorce or is contemplating divorce should keep in mind.

Our practice embraces a number of different legal strategies for divorce, and each of them has pros and cons depending on your circumstances, and the philosophies you and your spouse embrace.  Some of the best and least painful ways to dissolve your marriage are mediation or collaborative divorce, because they allow each party to come away without feeling destroyed.

Just as essential is that if the divorce is not crushing to either side, there can be dialogue between both parties that can continue after the divorce is finalized and everyone has moved on to the next stage in their lives. No one outside that family in California and a close circle of friends yet know the details of why this horrible tragedy took place.  What we do know is that things like this don’t happen often, but when they do we all need to take stock and think about ways to make sure situations like this can be avoided.

In the end, the way a divorce is handled can have a long-lasting and significant impact on the “afterlife” of divorce.

December 31st 2008 Posted to General
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Let’s remember that the Holiday Season is a time not just for giving and receiving, but for forgiving too.  So, if you decide that you might want to consider getting a gift for an ex-spouse, no lumps of coal or books with titles like “Act Like a Human for Dummies.”  If you do it, refrain from gag gifts or something that can be misconstrued.

A surefire way to make it easier to be charitable to a soon-to-be former spouse is to eschew a confrontational divorce.  Our firm is one of the leading collaborative law and/or mediation firms in the New York metropolitan area, and there are firms like ours all over the country.  All you need to do is to put in key words like “collaborative divorce” and “mediation” and the name of your community or metropolitan area into an Internet search engine.  In no time flat you will find legal practitioners who subscribe to these less acrimonious and many times less expensive methods of dissolving a marriage.

For those already divorced, the question still lingers.  Should you get your former spouse a Holiday gift? Especially in these economic times, you should keep in mind that not all gifts cost money.  If you are the non-custodial parent, you can send your former spouse a card with a few IOU’s included. Things like:

·      IOU an extra weekend with the kids if you need to do something special.

·      IOU a series of thank you’s for being a great parent.

·      IOU an extra holiday free at your choosing.

·      IOU a laundry free week.

·      IOU a night free of cooking, where I will either cook or have a meal delivered.

The point is to be creative and try to turn the Holiday Season into what it’s supposed to be - a time to give and to show some extra caring to those in our lives (including, of course, your ex-spouse).

If you are the custodial parent, keep in mind that your former spouse is probably a bit lonely during the Holidays and might welcome a dinner invite or an extra night or two with the kids.

Whatever you decide, the Holidays are supposed to be warm and welcoming.  Even after a divorce.

December 22nd 2008 Posted to General
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The Holiday Season is stressful enough during the best of times, but for people recently divorced or going through divorce it can be the worst time of the year.  But it doesn’t have to be.  A little planning, flexibility and most of all, communication and conciliation, can go a long way to turn what could be an emotional roller coaster, into days of hope and happiness.

Not that this will be an easy process. But here are a few tips to smooth out the rough spots during the Holidays:

·      Work out a schedule with your ex-spouse so that one of you can have the kids on Christmas while the other gets New Year’s Eve and/or day.

·      Remember that Christmas and Chanukah are inclusive holidays for everyone to enjoy.  See friends.  Visit family members.

·      If possible, try and spend the holidays with your ex-spouse and the kids. People sometimes can actually put aside feelings of acrimony for the good of the children.

The fact is that, in some cases, no amount of planning and communication can make the Holidays feel right.  Although you should be extra sensitive to your children’s needs, do not neglect yourself.  The Holidays come but once a year, and whether you are married or not, each of us deserves some time off to enjoy one another and look forward to the New Year just around the corner.

December 21st 2008 Posted to General
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Believe it or not, we are seeing more clients who are both convinced that they should not stay married and that they should have a civil divorce.

One primary reason for this trend is that many people nowadays seek therapy, and anyone wise enough to do that develops communication tools that make dialogue with his/spouse easier and less stressful.  In addition, keeping anger to a minimum helps in co-parenting, a goal anyone with children should heed under all circumstances.

Another major factor is the growing practice of family lawyers, like us, who use collaborative law and mediation as a major aspect of their practice.  So, let us provide some tips to help you create a framework for a civil  divorce:

·      Make a list of debts and assets

·      Be sure both parties have signed on for a civil divorce.  It takes two to tango.

·      Find lawyers whose practices embrace collaborative law

·      Be sure you are both ready to get a divorce.  You would be surprised by how many people talk the talk but don’t walk the walk

·      Provide ideas for property settlements and/or alimony

·      List expenses

·      Develop a plan for child custody and visitation

·      Keep communication with your spouse open and free of rancor

We don’t want anyone to assume that divorce is ever easy.  There are very few simple divorces, and when there are children and money involved, “easy” is not in the cards.  But that doesn’t mean it has to be a war.  

The bullet points above are the beginnings of a framework – a tool to help develop a game plan that keeps emotions in check and allows both parties to end the marriage and move on with their lives.  A good lawyer, a level head, and reasonable expectations can work wonders in reaching a civil, and maybe even friendly, divorce.

November 16th 2008 Posted to General
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We have all seen the commercials about doing your own will by buying a template online.  These commercials claim they can guide you through a divorce for a couple of hundred dollars, no muss, and no fuss.  Would I recommend anyone use this method?  No.

Divorce is too complicated to be done through one-size-fits-all templates.  It is a way to legally dissolve a marriage, and it involves not only the two parties – the husband and wife – but also the State.  There are legal issues both parties must agree to, documents that must be completed and filed with the Court, and a myriad of issues that usually come up along the way.

Moreover, there are reported cases of couples that find out, years after signing an online divorce agreement, that they were not, in fact, legally divorced.  Also, bear in mind that States differ in their criteria for divorce, and some of these online services may not be up to date on the subtle differences between State laws.

In my experience, if both spouses have the wherewithal and maturity to work together to dissolve their marriage, the best way to do that is through collaborative law or mediation.  In such cases, lawyers make sure that all the documents are correct and that there are no loose ends.  It might be more expensive than the online version, but it will be worth more than the paper it is written on.

November 13th 2008 Posted to General
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Non pet owners might look at the headline above and shake their heads wondering what’s the fuss about the family pet, or in some cases, horse? But for those of us who have pets in the family the question is a real one, and something that does come up with surprising frequency in divorces around the country.

It’s such a compelling issue that a recent book, “We Can’t Stay Together for the Dogs: Doing What’s Best For Your Dog when Your Relationship Breaks,” by Jennifer Keene, is devoted to the subject.

Let’s start with the premise that pets are family members.  Emotionally that is obviously the case, but, in the eyes of the law, pets are property, no different than a couch or a brokerage account.  Since neither spouse in a divorce usually shares that view, it is best to work out pet custody without a judge’s input, whenever possible.  Like any emotional issue, there are elements to consider, according to the book. Things such as:

·      Put the pet’s needs first.  If you have children, wouldn’t the pet be better off staying with the spouse who has primary custody?

·      Be fair to the pet.  What is in its best interest?  Issues such as age, temperament, and the general health of the animal should be used to evaluate these criteria.

·      Can you work out some sort of visitation so that both parties have individual time with the pet?

Divorce is hard enough, and if you are involved in an adversarial process, your pet may turn out to be an innocent pawn in the negotiations.  This is one area where I advocate working it out between the two parties without lawyers or the Court.  There are enough contentious points with which you are going to need the help of a good attorney.  This shouldn’t be one of them.

November 12th 2008 Posted to General
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Real divorce is hard enough for most people, but a woman in Japan was recently arrested for committing a real crime after her “virtual husband” divorced her.

A 43-year old woman’s unexpected divorce in a virtual game world made her so angry that she killed her online husband’s digital persona.  No big deal, right?  Well, in order to kill his avatar she allegedly hacked into his account.

Apparently, the woman accessed a computer and manipulated electronic data by using his identification and password to log onto the popular interactive game “Maple Story” to carry out the virtual murder, police in Sapporo, Japan said.  The woman lives 620 miles from Sapporo, but her victim lives there.  When confronted by police during the investigation, the woman admitted the crime and said she did it because she was angry at her online husband for divorcing her.

She did not plan any real life revenge towards the man, except for hacking into his account on the game.  If convicted, she faces up to five years in prison, or a fine up to $5,000.

Players in “Maple Story” raise and manipulate digital images called “avatars” that represent themselves, while engaging in relationships, social activities, and fighting against monsters and other obstacles.

Emotions and feelings play large roles in real divorces, and we all need to be mindful of that.  This somewhat humorous example is a reminder of that reality. 

November 06th 2008 Posted to General
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I recently heard a story about a very ugly divorce that gave me reason to pause.  It was drawn-out, it had lots of animus, and friends of each spouse completely supported the party they were closest to during and after the divorce.  When the marriage ended, friends of the ex-husband no longer talked to the ex-wife and vice versa.

Guess what?  That couple, who caused friends to take sides, are soon to be remarried.  So what happens to the friends?  What are they supposed to do?  Apologize to the “other” side, or pretend nothing happened?  Go into counseling forever to sort out the emotional dilemma these friends have caused?

Divorce has a ripple effect far beyond the two spouses involved.  We all know how divorce affects children, and how divorce can affect productivity at work.  Rarely, however, do couples consider other repercussions to their decision to get a divorce.  Maybe, in part, they should.

For instance, what happens if you go to a party and run into a friend who was on the other side in your divorce?  If you really liked that person, should you try and reestablish that friendship?  Or have the bruises from the divorce left emotional scars that may never heal?

While I am not advocating considering the feelings of friends when couples decide to get divorced, I am a firm believer that how you go about it is often as important as making the decision to divorce itself.

Mediation, collaborative law, sorting out your feelings in therapy are all tools people can use when going through this very painful process.  Don’t ask your friends to take sides, and don’t badmouth your spouse. Remember, at some point your divorce will be over and life will go on. Friendships can last forever, even when marriages don’t. 

November 02nd 2008 Posted to General
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