Westchester Divorce Blog

Professionals like me see first-hand how stressful divorce can be for the two parties involved.  Imagine being a child, and having to go through this as an innocent bystander.  Make no mistake - divorce takes a terrible toll on kids too.  Even relatively simple and amicable divorces are tough on children.  So a top priority of every divorcing couple should be the welfare and protection of their children.

Most children of divorce are hurt by the break-up of their family.  Divorce is hard enough on kids, but the negative impact can be exacerbated by the behaviors of the divorcing parents.  How you treat your ex spouse before, during and after divorce, matters.  One of the best things that you can do for your child is to do everything you can to cooperate with your former spouse, setting aside pettiness and bickering.  Children love both parents and don’t want to feel caught in the cross-fire.

Some tips to remember:

·      Try not to introduce too much change for your kids too soon.  Try and leave them in a comfortable environment like their home, school and the ability to see friends.

·      Don’t turn your kids into messengers.  If you have something to say to your ex, say it directly.  Don’t try to communicate through your children.  That just torques up the pressure and also puts them in a terrible position.

·      Try not to argue with your ex in front of the children.  This is hard to do, but essential.  You may not agree on much, but children seeing and hearing the rancor you express puts them in the middle of your angst.  I’m sure both of you can agree that this is not a burden any child should have to bear.

·      Be consistent with discipline.  Children are quick to play one parent off against the other if they sense dissension in the parental ranks.  Kids need structure, and you and your ex should devise a system of discipline that mirrors one another.  This is very helpful for kids, most professionals believe.  

·      No putdown of the ex to the children.  People slide into this one too easily.  Fight the urge, because it is not good for your children.  If you need a therapist, get one.  Trashing your ex to your kids is not therapy.

At the end of the day, you want to be happy and move on with your post-divorce lives.  Children need your love and care, and by turning down the intensity and thinking of what is best for them, all of you will be happier in the long run. 

November 10th 2008 Posted to Custody and Visitation
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There is no doubt that divorce takes its toll on the two spouses.  But we should all remember that the ripple effects of a marital break-up go far beyond just the two parties involved in the legal proceedings.  Friends are impacted, neighbors sometimes, relatives usually, but children always experience the divorce of their parents in profound ways.

One of your responsibilities is to minimize the impact on your kids.  And you are going to need help.  Friends and family can be of inestimable help.  So can clergy.  Therapy is another option, and many health plans do offer some sort of assistance in defraying the cost of individual therapy.

Another way to gain insight is to read helpful books written by professionals in the field of child psychology.  A new one that seems to be resonating across the country and has been buzzing on the internet is “Keeping Kids out of the Middle,” written by Benjamin Garber, Ph.D., a licensed child psychologist in New Hampshire.

One of the main tenets of the book is to always be mindful that kids get caught in the middle of something over which they have no control.  They are sometimes used as spies and/or messengers – a position no child should have to be in.  The author suggests practicing what he calls “child-centered parenting,” which focuses on skills that will help your kids to not only cope with your divorce, but also to keep them emotionally and psychologically healthy throughout their lives.

Our law practice also stresses resolving conflict, not only to make the divorce smoother for the parents, but also for the children.  Too often kids are left battered and bruised in the process.   Books like this and law firms like ours are out there not only to buffet that, but also to actually create positive traction for them.  Talk about turning lemons into lemonade! 

October 20th 2008 Posted to Custody and Visitation
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Joint custody or sole custody?  Couples getting divorced need to decide how to best serve their children going forward once the dust settles.  Watching from the sideline – usually with great apprehension – are other interested parties, most often grandparents.

Divorces are dicey affairs and keeping everything straight is difficult enough for anyone, so things like grandparent rights probably won’t be high on your checklist of items to consider.  Maybe it should be.

Even though our society has changed and people don’t live within walking distance of their close relatives, grandparents often feel they have a proprietary right to see their grandchildren and actually go to court to fight for those rights.  Just a check of newspaper stories and the internet will show this phenomenon is growing and case law is piling up in many states around the country.

There is even a national organization, Grandparents Rights Organization (GRO) that stumps for grandparents to share in their grandkids’ lives, through court-ordered intervention at times.  However, experts usually agree that court should be the avenue of last resort.

In New York, grandparents do not have an automatic right to visitation with their grandchildren. When grandparents petition for visitation, the Court undertakes a two-part inquiry: First, it must find that the grandparents have standing based on the death of the grandchild’s parent (usually the grandparents’ child) or other equitable circumstances which permit the court to entertain the petition.  If it concludes that the grandparents have established the right to be heard, then it must determine whether visitation is in the best interest of the child.

The legal niceties aside, in divorce there are sound practical reasons to maintain the good relationship that your children have with their grandparents. Contention with former in-laws doesn’t have to be the norm, and you may very well find allies in them.  Allowing your children to maintain a loving relationship with their grandparents might help them adjust during these difficult times.

Other things to consider:

- Is it fair to your children to be denied visits from the parents of your former spouse?

- Are the kids safe and happy when they are with their grandparents?

- Are you using the children as a weapon against your former spouse?

- Children need family during and after a divorce and grandparents often love their grandchildren unconditionally.

- Visiting with grandparents can give you a much-needed break and the chance to recharge your own battery.  

October 01st 2008 Posted to Custody and Visitation
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Jim Ehlers showed up at the courthouse in hopes of ending a grisly chapter in the life of his daughter.  Upon his departure from the courthouse, the story of his life as a father was beginning.

Ehlers now finds himself scheduling trips to go shopping for school clothes and parent-teacher meetings.  Suddenly he’s making reservations at Chuck E. Cheese for his daughter’s sixth birthday party.

For over a month, Ehlers’ daughter and her two half-sisters were trapped in a legal limbo between grandparents who wished to care for them, and a stalling court system which was threatening to return the girls to the custody of their abusive mother.

On Monday, August 11^th, Judge Greg Wilhelm of the Ellis County, Texas, approved the verdict of a jury giving Ehlers custody of his daughter and placing her 8- and 4-year-old siblings into the care of the state.

Through testimony in the trial that lasted a month, it was revealed that Susan Hyde, the mother, had been abusing the girls by treating them for illnesses they never had.  She treated the girls for ailments such as cystic fibrosis, cerebral palsy, and seizures.  In a four-year period, they visited the emergency room more than 150 times.

During the trial, doctors testified that Hyde’s behavior could be described as Munchausen syndrome and Munchausen syndrome by proxy, which are both psychological disorders in which people exaggerate or create false symptoms. Munchausen by proxy is characterized by a parent making a child appear to be sick, possibly even harming the child.

On June 30^th , a 12-member jury reached the decision to terminate the rights of the mother and place the children in the care of the state.  Some jurors said they didn’t believe the grandparents had done enough to protect the children from their mother.  However, until Monday, Judge Wilhelm had yet to approve the verdict the jury had reached, which left the children with their grandparents.  Had he not reached a ruling by September 1^st, the children would have returned to the custody of their mother.

Brian and Patricia Anderson, the grandparents, say they plan to appeal. 

Ehlers’s daughter will join him in Davenport, Iowa.  The other two girls will enter foster care in Texas.

Original source:  Dallas News

August 14th 2008 Posted to Custody and Visitation
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Here’s one we haven’t seen out of the Westchester courts.

A New Zealand judge is tired of parents who give their children bizarre names, and he has given a 9-year-old girl named “Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii” an opportunity to change hers by ruling that she become a ward of the court.

Judge Rob Murfitt’s decision came during a custody battle between the girl’s separated parents.  He expressed concern in his ruling at the “very poor judgment” the parents showed in naming the girl.

Murfitt said, “It makes a fool of the child and sets her up with a social disability and handicap, unnecessarily.”

The girl’s attorney told the court that the name embarrassed her so greatly that she refused to tell her friends, instead insisting that people call her “K.”

The judge’s ruling was handed down in February, but wasn’t made public until it was published in the New Zealand law reports on July 24.  In the interest of protection of her identity, the girl’s new name will not be released to the public.

Murfit also cited a list of strange names couples have given their children in his ruling.  He said names that registration officials blocked included “Yeah Detroit,” “Keenan Got Lucy,” and “Sex Fruit.” However, names like “Number 16 Bus Shelter” and “Violence” have been allowed.

August 05th 2008 Posted to Custody and Visitation
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A court-appointed psychiatrist’s report yet to be introduced in the sensational Christie Brinkley-Peter Cook divorce trial will reveal that Brinkley is consumed by rage, Cook’s attorney said late last week in a television interview.  But as lawyers for the two sides traded charges in exclusive TODAY interviews, the supermodel’s attorney said that the report also says that Brinkley should get primary custody of the couple’s two children.

The psychiatrist “has … found that Christie is angered and she’s going to have to overcome her anger,” Cook’s attorney, Norman Sheresky, told TODAY’s Meredith Vieira before heading to court for the second day of testimony in the salacious trial that began Wednesday.

Sheresky said that the psychiatrist also determined that testimony about Cook’s $3,000-a-month appetite for Internet porn should be “out of the case,” and that “Peter is a wonderful father. He should have a relationship with the children, and Christie Brinkley should not interfere with it.”

But in a separate interview that followed directly on TODAY, Brinkley’s attorney, Bob Cohen, said his adversary left out an important element in the report. “The court psychiatrist found that Christie should be the custodial parent,” he told Vieira. “But being the custodial parent doesn’t mean Peter doesn’t get to see the children. He’s going to get to see the children. He has seen the children. He will continue to see the children.”

See the interview with the two lawyers here.

Cook sought to keep the salacious trial private, but Brinkley fought to make open to the public and the media. Sheresky said that Brinkley is driven by anger and that her determination to air the couple’s dirty laundry will ultimately harm their children.

I do believe that this trial offers at least two important lessons for everyone facing divorce in New York:

1.            Custody trials are nasty affairs, not only for celebrities, but also for anyone else going through a divorce.  They rip families apart and should be avoided, if at all possible, for the sake of the children. Don’t be shortsighted.  You have to co-parent with your spouse once the case is over.  Think of the years to come – the graduations, weddings, Holidays, and grandchildren in your family’s future.  Both Cook and Brinkley have talented, experienced counsel.  This case could and should have settled quietly out of court.

2.            There is a difference between “custody” and “visitation.”  The fact that Christie Brinkley is asking the Court for sole custody does not mean that she wants to keep Peter Cook from seeing the children.  This misconception has been widely reported in the media and is being perpetuated by the Cook camp.  Sole legal custody simply means that, should she win, Brinkley will have the right to make important decisions on the children’s behalf with regard to their medical care, education, religious upbringing, and general welfare.  But part and parcel of any custody order of the Court will be a parental access schedule granting the non-custodial parent frequent and meaningful access time with the children. 

July 07th 2008 Posted to Celebrity Divorce, Custody and Visitation, Uncategorized
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Our good friend, Michael Sherman, an Alabama divorce lawyer, mentioned this interesting study on his blog (Alabama Family Law Blog):

June 26th 2008 Posted to Custody and Visitation
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Here is Part 3 of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers’ publication, Stepping Back from Anger:

Helping children heal begins before any legal papers are filed, with how and when parents tell their children about their decision to break up. 



The first words children hear about the divorce should be from their parents, as soon after the decision is made as possible.  It is best not to wait until one parent has already moved out of the house. 



Ideally, both parents should be there when the children are told.  If the children are roughly the same age, they should be told at the same time. If there is a substantial age difference, it can be useful to tell them together, and then have separate meetings with the children individually, adapting each explanation to each child’s level of understanding. 



When informing children of an impending divorce, parents should not divulge such details as infidelity or sexual deprivation, and they should not blame one parent or another.  One possible approach is to present the divorce as a solution to the family’s problems, an end to the fighting and tension that have filled the home with anger. 



Honesty is a crucial element in informing children of the split.  They should be told that their lives will change, and that some things, like spending time with the parent they’re not living with most of the time, will be harder. 



Children should be encouraged to talk about their feelings, either with their parents, their friends, or a counselor. 



It is best that parents not ask their children to choose with which parent they would like to live.  If they have an opinion on the matter, it will likely come out unprompted.  If they do not, they should not be put in a position of choosing between one parent and another. 



One custody option to consider is joint custody.  It allows both parents an equal say in decision-making on the child’s behalf, even if physical custody of the child is not 50/50. 



Although sharing parenthood so intimately with someone a parent no longer shares a marriage can be difficult, it is one of the best ways that parents can show their love for their child. 



Most children - in fact, most adults - still dream of being part of a Rockwellian family, with a mommy and a daddy, several happy children, and a dog, all living blissfully under one roof.  But as the American divorce rate skyrockets, that dream is becoming a reality for fewer and fewer families. 



In its place, for both parents and children, are opportunities.  By stepping back from their own anger, divorcing parents can move closer to what should be a common goal for their children - maintaining a nurturing environment and minimizing the potentially traumatic byproducts of the so-called “broken home.” 

June 19th 2008 Posted to Custody and Visitation
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Here is part 2 of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers’ must-read guide for divorcing parents, Stepping Back from Anger:

Roughly one-third of the children of divorce lose contact with one of their parents, depriving them of years of adult guidance, support and love.  But even many of those who remain in touch with both parents are not any better off, as they continue to be tormented for years by their parents’ continual arguing. 



And the longer the parental conflict continues, the more serious is the psychological damage to the child.  Many children respond to such stress by turning off their feelings and walling up their emotions.  Those children are not only deprived of the joys of childhood, but they often find themselves emotionally adrift as adults. 



It’s important for parents to remember that their actions during their divorce can have long-term consequences they might not intend.  A mother who forbids her daughter from seeing her adulterous father, for instance, is laying the groundwork for her daughter to be distrusting of all men, thus potentially sabotaging the child’s intimate adult relationships. 



Parents must also realize that children often interpret anger between spouses as anger at the children.  That is because children are aware, even at an early age, that they are “part mommy,” and “part daddy.”  When divorcing couples disparage each other in their children’s presence, their developing self-esteem can take a battering. 



Though divorce is never easy on children, such crises are often opportunities in disguise.  Because a child’s emotional health after his parents’ divorce is so dependent on his parents’ behavior during the divorce, the separation process is a good time for parents to reflect on their children’s well-being and, if necessary, seek out professional help for themselves and their children. 



It may even be necessary for children to spend some time alone with a counselor who might detect hidden messages in a child’s artwork or storytelling. 



Avoiding a custody fight is one of the most important things parents can do to ensure their children’s well-being after divorce.  But even children whose parents are not fighting over custody can also be wounded by the anger being vented between both parents, and should be spared from that as much as possible.

June 18th 2008 Posted to Custody and Visitation
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The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers has published an excellent guide for parents going through divorce.  It is called “Stepping Back from Anger: Protecting Your Children During Divorce.”  To give it the widest possible audience it deserves, we will post it here in three parts.

Stepping Back from Anger: Protecting Your Children During Divorce: Part 1

Every year, more than 1 million American couples get divorced. For those men and women, it is often the most grueling, emotionally exhausting, and expensive experience they will ever have. 



For their children, it can be even worse. 



Imagine you are six, and suddenly the only people you have ever relied on for food, shelter, and love are at each other’s throats. In your young mind, you conclude that you are the cause of their anger, and that you might get lost in the shuffle. Before you know it, you think to yourself, there won’t be anybody left to scare off the closet monsters. 



To make matters worse, you often find yourself alone in your anguish, as the two people you usually go to for solace - your parents - are too wrapped up in their own anger and grief to be of much help. 



It is unsettling, to say the least. 



As parents, it is not enough to assume that your children will bounce back once the legal machinations of divorce are through. Though many adults find their post-divorce lives are vastly better than their pre-divorce lives, for many children, this is not the case. 



Divorce makes its mark on children both in the short-term and the long-term. Young children whose parents are divorcing often suffer from depression, sleep disorders, loss of self-esteem, poor academic performance, behavioral regression, and a host of other physical and emotional disorders. 



Long after the divorce is final, children of divorce often have trouble entering into committed relationships of their own, fearing their relationships will end as their parents’ did. 



In addition, a Princeton University study showed that children who live apart from one of their parents are more likely to drop out of school, become idle (neither be in school nor have a job), and have a child before reaching 20, than children who live with both parents. Other studies have made similar findings, concluding that the effects of divorce on children are pervasive and insidious. These sad facts make it imperative that divorcing parents put their children before their legal battles. This often means that two people who find it difficult to be in the same room without screaming at each other will have to calmly, deliberately, and most of all, lovingly, make joint decisions about their children’s well-being. 



While it may mean suppressing their anger at a cheating or neglectful spouse, the winners, in the long run, are the children. 



The stakes are obviously quite high. 

June 17th 2008 Posted to Custody and Visitation
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