Westchester Divorce Blog

The Christmas Eve massacre in California has raised a lot of significant questions, and some of these questions center around the couple’s recent divorce.  There are some hard lessons that anyone who is going through divorce or is contemplating divorce should keep in mind.

Our practice embraces a number of different legal strategies for divorce, and each of them has pros and cons depending on your circumstances, and the philosophies you and your spouse embrace.  Some of the best and least painful ways to dissolve your marriage are mediation or collaborative divorce, because they allow each party to come away without feeling destroyed.

Just as essential is that if the divorce is not crushing to either side, there can be dialogue between both parties that can continue after the divorce is finalized and everyone has moved on to the next stage in their lives. No one outside that family in California and a close circle of friends yet know the details of why this horrible tragedy took place.  What we do know is that things like this don’t happen often, but when they do we all need to take stock and think about ways to make sure situations like this can be avoided.

In the end, the way a divorce is handled can have a long-lasting and significant impact on the “afterlife” of divorce.

December 31st 2008 Posted to General
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Media reports recently have targeted a new trend in some states – people representing themselves in their divorce cases.  The statistics on this “trend” is somewhat spotty, but news stories are popping up all over the country about the numbers of people who believe it is worthwhile and cost effective to be their own advocate.  We beg to differ in the strongest possible terms.

The adage “anyone who represents himself in court has a fool for a client” is true.  Matrimonial and family law is an ever-changing landscape that even lawyers need to brush up on every year.  In fact, continuing legal education, known in the business as “CLE,” is mandatory in order for lawyers to maintain their licenses to practice law.

The lure for most who decide to go the DIY route is monetary, and, in these times, cutting costs is something everyone is trying to do (from buying less expensive groceries to taking fewer trips in the family car). Times are increasingly difficult and the model on how to manage one’s life needs updating, no doubt.

But to transfer that logic to a divorce action is, in our opinion, a very bad idea.  There are ways to cut costs in a divorce.  Agree on as many elements of property division and support with your spouse, without emotion getting in the way.  Accept the premise that compromise will likely shorten the process and the pain, and allow both of you to move on with the rest of your lives.  Consider mediation or collaborative law, instead of litigation, as dispute resolution options.

You don’t want to be one of those poor souls who end up losing custody of their kids because they were ignorant of the law.  That is not a lesson anyone needs to learn.

Find a lawyer who is easy to communicate with, and who is willing to work with you to come up with a fee schedule that works for you.  That is the best way to ensure you get the most bang for your buck and the fairest deal with your ex-spouse. 

December 29th 2008 Posted to Finances
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Let’s remember that the Holiday Season is a time not just for giving and receiving, but for forgiving too.  So, if you decide that you might want to consider getting a gift for an ex-spouse, no lumps of coal or books with titles like “Act Like a Human for Dummies.”  If you do it, refrain from gag gifts or something that can be misconstrued.

A surefire way to make it easier to be charitable to a soon-to-be former spouse is to eschew a confrontational divorce.  Our firm is one of the leading collaborative law and/or mediation firms in the New York metropolitan area, and there are firms like ours all over the country.  All you need to do is to put in key words like “collaborative divorce” and “mediation” and the name of your community or metropolitan area into an Internet search engine.  In no time flat you will find legal practitioners who subscribe to these less acrimonious and many times less expensive methods of dissolving a marriage.

For those already divorced, the question still lingers.  Should you get your former spouse a Holiday gift? Especially in these economic times, you should keep in mind that not all gifts cost money.  If you are the non-custodial parent, you can send your former spouse a card with a few IOU’s included. Things like:

·      IOU an extra weekend with the kids if you need to do something special.

·      IOU a series of thank you’s for being a great parent.

·      IOU an extra holiday free at your choosing.

·      IOU a laundry free week.

·      IOU a night free of cooking, where I will either cook or have a meal delivered.

The point is to be creative and try to turn the Holiday Season into what it’s supposed to be - a time to give and to show some extra caring to those in our lives (including, of course, your ex-spouse).

If you are the custodial parent, keep in mind that your former spouse is probably a bit lonely during the Holidays and might welcome a dinner invite or an extra night or two with the kids.

Whatever you decide, the Holidays are supposed to be warm and welcoming.  Even after a divorce.

December 22nd 2008 Posted to General
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The Holiday Season is stressful enough during the best of times, but for people recently divorced or going through divorce it can be the worst time of the year.  But it doesn’t have to be.  A little planning, flexibility and most of all, communication and conciliation, can go a long way to turn what could be an emotional roller coaster, into days of hope and happiness.

Not that this will be an easy process. But here are a few tips to smooth out the rough spots during the Holidays:

·      Work out a schedule with your ex-spouse so that one of you can have the kids on Christmas while the other gets New Year’s Eve and/or day.

·      Remember that Christmas and Chanukah are inclusive holidays for everyone to enjoy.  See friends.  Visit family members.

·      If possible, try and spend the holidays with your ex-spouse and the kids. People sometimes can actually put aside feelings of acrimony for the good of the children.

The fact is that, in some cases, no amount of planning and communication can make the Holidays feel right.  Although you should be extra sensitive to your children’s needs, do not neglect yourself.  The Holidays come but once a year, and whether you are married or not, each of us deserves some time off to enjoy one another and look forward to the New Year just around the corner.

December 21st 2008 Posted to General
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There is definitely more than one school of thought when contemplating an action plan for divorce.  Things like:

·      Establishing your own line of credit

·      Deciding what personal property you want to keep after your divorce

·      Therapy for you and/or your children

·      Custody matters

·      Financial concerns

Above is but a small sample of the myriad of issues you must consider when plotting out the steps leading to the dissolution of your marriage.  Let me throw one more out there.  If you are a stay-at-home parent, should you go out and try and find a job?  For many, the answer can be a resounding “yes!”

First of all, extra income during a separation and during the often drawn-out divorce process is welcome.  That should not be underestimated.  But income is only one reason to consider diving back into the work force.  There are other reasons as well.  Working can:

·      Help increase self-esteem

·      Provide new friends and people to interact with

·      Get you out of the house and focusing on things other than divorce and children

·      Establish new credit information that can help with securing a new mortgage, new credit cards and other lines of credit

The point is that a job can be a godsend, particularly in these darkening economic times.  It’s something definitely worth thinking about and to discuss with your attorney. 

December 13th 2008 Posted to Finances
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