Westchester Divorce Blog

That’s really not as simple a question as one might think.  If you are someone who requires daily phone calls and e-mails with your attorney, if you change your mind about strategy like some people change shirts, and if you want to argue over every aspect of your divorce, the answer is usually “yes.”  The more difficult and time consuming the divorce, the more expensive it can be.

But for someone who is motivated, clear-headed about their objectives, and willing to work with the other side, the answer is often times a resounding “no!”  In our practice, my partner and I work very hard to be flexible with our clients, and we have different methods to bring divorce to closure.  Some of these are far less expensive than all-out litigation.  Collaborative law, mediation, and just old-fashioned negotiation in which you have realistic expectations about settlement, custody, visitation and other matters, can work to keep costs to a minimum.

Most matrimonial and family lawyers charge by the hour.  In our practice, we have implemented fixed fees, agreed-upon in advance so that our clients never have to worry about getting a surprise bill in the mail.  Sit down with the law firm you have chosen, and decide what works best for you now and going forward.  Find an attorney you are comfortable with, and who will listen to you and work with you.   

There are ways for you to minimize your legal bills in a proactive way that will help you and your attorney to settle the matter and not to unnecessarily dragging it out.  Remember, time is money, and the less time spent haggling over small things, the better off you might be in the end.

A few things to keep in mind:

·            Make sure you have a written retainer agreement with your attorney that is as comprehensive as possible.  An attorney who appears cheaper on the surface might not be after you check out the fine print.  There could be hidden costs.

·            Come to some resolution with your spouse over easily agreed-upon elements of your divorce.  That way your attorney will not waste time and money working on aspects you can work out yourself.

·            Keep emotions out of the process as much as possible.  Sorting out emotions takes time and therefore money.  Resolve ahead of time to keep emotions to a minimum.

·            Consider collaborative law and mediation as possible options. They cost less in both money and emotion.

These are just a few pointers.  The best thing to do is to find an attorney that you feel you can trust, and listen to their advice.  Divorce can definitely be expensive, but it doesn’t have to be.

November 21st 2008 Posted to Finances
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Believe it or not, we are seeing more clients who are both convinced that they should not stay married and that they should have a civil divorce.

One primary reason for this trend is that many people nowadays seek therapy, and anyone wise enough to do that develops communication tools that make dialogue with his/spouse easier and less stressful.  In addition, keeping anger to a minimum helps in co-parenting, a goal anyone with children should heed under all circumstances.

Another major factor is the growing practice of family lawyers, like us, who use collaborative law and mediation as a major aspect of their practice.  So, let us provide some tips to help you create a framework for a civil  divorce:

·      Make a list of debts and assets

·      Be sure both parties have signed on for a civil divorce.  It takes two to tango.

·      Find lawyers whose practices embrace collaborative law

·      Be sure you are both ready to get a divorce.  You would be surprised by how many people talk the talk but don’t walk the walk

·      Provide ideas for property settlements and/or alimony

·      List expenses

·      Develop a plan for child custody and visitation

·      Keep communication with your spouse open and free of rancor

We don’t want anyone to assume that divorce is ever easy.  There are very few simple divorces, and when there are children and money involved, “easy” is not in the cards.  But that doesn’t mean it has to be a war.  

The bullet points above are the beginnings of a framework – a tool to help develop a game plan that keeps emotions in check and allows both parties to end the marriage and move on with their lives.  A good lawyer, a level head, and reasonable expectations can work wonders in reaching a civil, and maybe even friendly, divorce.

November 16th 2008 Posted to General
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We have all seen the commercials about doing your own will by buying a template online.  These commercials claim they can guide you through a divorce for a couple of hundred dollars, no muss, and no fuss.  Would I recommend anyone use this method?  No.

Divorce is too complicated to be done through one-size-fits-all templates.  It is a way to legally dissolve a marriage, and it involves not only the two parties – the husband and wife – but also the State.  There are legal issues both parties must agree to, documents that must be completed and filed with the Court, and a myriad of issues that usually come up along the way.

Moreover, there are reported cases of couples that find out, years after signing an online divorce agreement, that they were not, in fact, legally divorced.  Also, bear in mind that States differ in their criteria for divorce, and some of these online services may not be up to date on the subtle differences between State laws.

In my experience, if both spouses have the wherewithal and maturity to work together to dissolve their marriage, the best way to do that is through collaborative law or mediation.  In such cases, lawyers make sure that all the documents are correct and that there are no loose ends.  It might be more expensive than the online version, but it will be worth more than the paper it is written on.

November 13th 2008 Posted to General
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Non pet owners might look at the headline above and shake their heads wondering what’s the fuss about the family pet, or in some cases, horse? But for those of us who have pets in the family the question is a real one, and something that does come up with surprising frequency in divorces around the country.

It’s such a compelling issue that a recent book, “We Can’t Stay Together for the Dogs: Doing What’s Best For Your Dog when Your Relationship Breaks,” by Jennifer Keene, is devoted to the subject.

Let’s start with the premise that pets are family members.  Emotionally that is obviously the case, but, in the eyes of the law, pets are property, no different than a couch or a brokerage account.  Since neither spouse in a divorce usually shares that view, it is best to work out pet custody without a judge’s input, whenever possible.  Like any emotional issue, there are elements to consider, according to the book. Things such as:

·      Put the pet’s needs first.  If you have children, wouldn’t the pet be better off staying with the spouse who has primary custody?

·      Be fair to the pet.  What is in its best interest?  Issues such as age, temperament, and the general health of the animal should be used to evaluate these criteria.

·      Can you work out some sort of visitation so that both parties have individual time with the pet?

Divorce is hard enough, and if you are involved in an adversarial process, your pet may turn out to be an innocent pawn in the negotiations.  This is one area where I advocate working it out between the two parties without lawyers or the Court.  There are enough contentious points with which you are going to need the help of a good attorney.  This shouldn’t be one of them.

November 12th 2008 Posted to General
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Professionals like me see first-hand how stressful divorce can be for the two parties involved.  Imagine being a child, and having to go through this as an innocent bystander.  Make no mistake - divorce takes a terrible toll on kids too.  Even relatively simple and amicable divorces are tough on children.  So a top priority of every divorcing couple should be the welfare and protection of their children.

Most children of divorce are hurt by the break-up of their family.  Divorce is hard enough on kids, but the negative impact can be exacerbated by the behaviors of the divorcing parents.  How you treat your ex spouse before, during and after divorce, matters.  One of the best things that you can do for your child is to do everything you can to cooperate with your former spouse, setting aside pettiness and bickering.  Children love both parents and don’t want to feel caught in the cross-fire.

Some tips to remember:

·      Try not to introduce too much change for your kids too soon.  Try and leave them in a comfortable environment like their home, school and the ability to see friends.

·      Don’t turn your kids into messengers.  If you have something to say to your ex, say it directly.  Don’t try to communicate through your children.  That just torques up the pressure and also puts them in a terrible position.

·      Try not to argue with your ex in front of the children.  This is hard to do, but essential.  You may not agree on much, but children seeing and hearing the rancor you express puts them in the middle of your angst.  I’m sure both of you can agree that this is not a burden any child should have to bear.

·      Be consistent with discipline.  Children are quick to play one parent off against the other if they sense dissension in the parental ranks.  Kids need structure, and you and your ex should devise a system of discipline that mirrors one another.  This is very helpful for kids, most professionals believe.  

·      No putdown of the ex to the children.  People slide into this one too easily.  Fight the urge, because it is not good for your children.  If you need a therapist, get one.  Trashing your ex to your kids is not therapy.

At the end of the day, you want to be happy and move on with your post-divorce lives.  Children need your love and care, and by turning down the intensity and thinking of what is best for them, all of you will be happier in the long run. 

November 10th 2008 Posted to Custody and Visitation
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Real divorce is hard enough for most people, but a woman in Japan was recently arrested for committing a real crime after her “virtual husband” divorced her.

A 43-year old woman’s unexpected divorce in a virtual game world made her so angry that she killed her online husband’s digital persona.  No big deal, right?  Well, in order to kill his avatar she allegedly hacked into his account.

Apparently, the woman accessed a computer and manipulated electronic data by using his identification and password to log onto the popular interactive game “Maple Story” to carry out the virtual murder, police in Sapporo, Japan said.  The woman lives 620 miles from Sapporo, but her victim lives there.  When confronted by police during the investigation, the woman admitted the crime and said she did it because she was angry at her online husband for divorcing her.

She did not plan any real life revenge towards the man, except for hacking into his account on the game.  If convicted, she faces up to five years in prison, or a fine up to $5,000.

Players in “Maple Story” raise and manipulate digital images called “avatars” that represent themselves, while engaging in relationships, social activities, and fighting against monsters and other obstacles.

Emotions and feelings play large roles in real divorces, and we all need to be mindful of that.  This somewhat humorous example is a reminder of that reality. 

November 06th 2008 Posted to General
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I recently heard a story about a very ugly divorce that gave me reason to pause.  It was drawn-out, it had lots of animus, and friends of each spouse completely supported the party they were closest to during and after the divorce.  When the marriage ended, friends of the ex-husband no longer talked to the ex-wife and vice versa.

Guess what?  That couple, who caused friends to take sides, are soon to be remarried.  So what happens to the friends?  What are they supposed to do?  Apologize to the “other” side, or pretend nothing happened?  Go into counseling forever to sort out the emotional dilemma these friends have caused?

Divorce has a ripple effect far beyond the two spouses involved.  We all know how divorce affects children, and how divorce can affect productivity at work.  Rarely, however, do couples consider other repercussions to their decision to get a divorce.  Maybe, in part, they should.

For instance, what happens if you go to a party and run into a friend who was on the other side in your divorce?  If you really liked that person, should you try and reestablish that friendship?  Or have the bruises from the divorce left emotional scars that may never heal?

While I am not advocating considering the feelings of friends when couples decide to get divorced, I am a firm believer that how you go about it is often as important as making the decision to divorce itself.

Mediation, collaborative law, sorting out your feelings in therapy are all tools people can use when going through this very painful process.  Don’t ask your friends to take sides, and don’t badmouth your spouse. Remember, at some point your divorce will be over and life will go on. Friendships can last forever, even when marriages don’t. 

November 02nd 2008 Posted to General
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