Westchester Divorce Blog

The biggest mistake you can make during divorce is to have too much time on your hands.  Being idle during this process is to be avoided, because for most people divorce is a difficult process, and you will need distractions to help you cope.

Children may be one thing to focus on, but they can’t be all you have going on.  If you work, great!  Work can be the greatest distraction of all, because it has nothing to do with your spouse and everything to do with you.  For those who haven’t had a job in a while and need to brush up on their skills, you are in luck.  These days there are many alternatives for repositioning your skills for jobs in the 21^st century.

·      Local four year and/or community colleges – Community college classes are usually very inexpensive. There are also great networking opportunities in a college setting.

·      On-line schools – These are popping up in increasing numbers and some of them are quite good.  I would suggest doing a search on any on-line school you are considering to see if graduates have good things to say about it.

·      Volunteering – This is a great way to meet new people in a low-stress way, commiserate over your lives, and sometimes develop new skill sets in a less competitive environment.

·      Re-connect with old friends.  They know you, and if they find you in a rut they can help pull you out.

These are but a few examples of things you can do to keep busy during divorce.  Friends, relatives, clergy, and your lawyer might have some more ideas.  Be open, and maybe you will discover things you’ve never even considered before.

January 19th 2009 Posted to General
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I am not someone who subscribes to the idea of New Year’s resolutions. How many people have promised to lose weight, take better care of themselves, eat better, and promise to be nicer to  . . .? But when it comes to people going through a divorce, taking stock in the beginning of the year makes sense.  Spend some time writing down things you’d like to accomplish, and create a plan that will work for you and your circumstances.

Always keep in mind these should be realistic goals, not difficult to reach dreams.   Some examples might include:

·      If you didn’t work hard enough to establish a working dialogue with your former spouse, a new year can act as a starting point to try something new.  Create a working partnership with regard to child-rearing and other parental issues.

·      Join a group of people who share your interests

·      Reconnect with old friends

·      Set aside time for you to be with your kids

·      Be good to yourself

None of these things require massive infusions of cash, but a little planning, some workable goals, and a good attitude looking forward can help make 2009 a better year that 2008.  So Happy New Year to everyone!

January 11th 2009 Posted to General
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The Christmas Eve massacre in California has raised a lot of significant questions, and some of these questions center around the couple’s recent divorce.  There are some hard lessons that anyone who is going through divorce or is contemplating divorce should keep in mind.

Our practice embraces a number of different legal strategies for divorce, and each of them has pros and cons depending on your circumstances, and the philosophies you and your spouse embrace.  Some of the best and least painful ways to dissolve your marriage are mediation or collaborative divorce, because they allow each party to come away without feeling destroyed.

Just as essential is that if the divorce is not crushing to either side, there can be dialogue between both parties that can continue after the divorce is finalized and everyone has moved on to the next stage in their lives. No one outside that family in California and a close circle of friends yet know the details of why this horrible tragedy took place.  What we do know is that things like this don’t happen often, but when they do we all need to take stock and think about ways to make sure situations like this can be avoided.

In the end, the way a divorce is handled can have a long-lasting and significant impact on the “afterlife” of divorce.

December 31st 2008 Posted to General
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Media reports recently have targeted a new trend in some states – people representing themselves in their divorce cases.  The statistics on this “trend” is somewhat spotty, but news stories are popping up all over the country about the numbers of people who believe it is worthwhile and cost effective to be their own advocate.  We beg to differ in the strongest possible terms.

The adage “anyone who represents himself in court has a fool for a client” is true.  Matrimonial and family law is an ever-changing landscape that even lawyers need to brush up on every year.  In fact, continuing legal education, known in the business as “CLE,” is mandatory in order for lawyers to maintain their licenses to practice law.

The lure for most who decide to go the DIY route is monetary, and, in these times, cutting costs is something everyone is trying to do (from buying less expensive groceries to taking fewer trips in the family car). Times are increasingly difficult and the model on how to manage one’s life needs updating, no doubt.

But to transfer that logic to a divorce action is, in our opinion, a very bad idea.  There are ways to cut costs in a divorce.  Agree on as many elements of property division and support with your spouse, without emotion getting in the way.  Accept the premise that compromise will likely shorten the process and the pain, and allow both of you to move on with the rest of your lives.  Consider mediation or collaborative law, instead of litigation, as dispute resolution options.

You don’t want to be one of those poor souls who end up losing custody of their kids because they were ignorant of the law.  That is not a lesson anyone needs to learn.

Find a lawyer who is easy to communicate with, and who is willing to work with you to come up with a fee schedule that works for you.  That is the best way to ensure you get the most bang for your buck and the fairest deal with your ex-spouse. 

December 29th 2008 Posted to Finances
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Let’s remember that the Holiday Season is a time not just for giving and receiving, but for forgiving too.  So, if you decide that you might want to consider getting a gift for an ex-spouse, no lumps of coal or books with titles like “Act Like a Human for Dummies.”  If you do it, refrain from gag gifts or something that can be misconstrued.

A surefire way to make it easier to be charitable to a soon-to-be former spouse is to eschew a confrontational divorce.  Our firm is one of the leading collaborative law and/or mediation firms in the New York metropolitan area, and there are firms like ours all over the country.  All you need to do is to put in key words like “collaborative divorce” and “mediation” and the name of your community or metropolitan area into an Internet search engine.  In no time flat you will find legal practitioners who subscribe to these less acrimonious and many times less expensive methods of dissolving a marriage.

For those already divorced, the question still lingers.  Should you get your former spouse a Holiday gift? Especially in these economic times, you should keep in mind that not all gifts cost money.  If you are the non-custodial parent, you can send your former spouse a card with a few IOU’s included. Things like:

·      IOU an extra weekend with the kids if you need to do something special.

·      IOU a series of thank you’s for being a great parent.

·      IOU an extra holiday free at your choosing.

·      IOU a laundry free week.

·      IOU a night free of cooking, where I will either cook or have a meal delivered.

The point is to be creative and try to turn the Holiday Season into what it’s supposed to be - a time to give and to show some extra caring to those in our lives (including, of course, your ex-spouse).

If you are the custodial parent, keep in mind that your former spouse is probably a bit lonely during the Holidays and might welcome a dinner invite or an extra night or two with the kids.

Whatever you decide, the Holidays are supposed to be warm and welcoming.  Even after a divorce.

December 22nd 2008 Posted to General
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The Holiday Season is stressful enough during the best of times, but for people recently divorced or going through divorce it can be the worst time of the year.  But it doesn’t have to be.  A little planning, flexibility and most of all, communication and conciliation, can go a long way to turn what could be an emotional roller coaster, into days of hope and happiness.

Not that this will be an easy process. But here are a few tips to smooth out the rough spots during the Holidays:

·      Work out a schedule with your ex-spouse so that one of you can have the kids on Christmas while the other gets New Year’s Eve and/or day.

·      Remember that Christmas and Chanukah are inclusive holidays for everyone to enjoy.  See friends.  Visit family members.

·      If possible, try and spend the holidays with your ex-spouse and the kids. People sometimes can actually put aside feelings of acrimony for the good of the children.

The fact is that, in some cases, no amount of planning and communication can make the Holidays feel right.  Although you should be extra sensitive to your children’s needs, do not neglect yourself.  The Holidays come but once a year, and whether you are married or not, each of us deserves some time off to enjoy one another and look forward to the New Year just around the corner.

December 21st 2008 Posted to General
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There is definitely more than one school of thought when contemplating an action plan for divorce.  Things like:

·      Establishing your own line of credit

·      Deciding what personal property you want to keep after your divorce

·      Therapy for you and/or your children

·      Custody matters

·      Financial concerns

Above is but a small sample of the myriad of issues you must consider when plotting out the steps leading to the dissolution of your marriage.  Let me throw one more out there.  If you are a stay-at-home parent, should you go out and try and find a job?  For many, the answer can be a resounding “yes!”

First of all, extra income during a separation and during the often drawn-out divorce process is welcome.  That should not be underestimated.  But income is only one reason to consider diving back into the work force.  There are other reasons as well.  Working can:

·      Help increase self-esteem

·      Provide new friends and people to interact with

·      Get you out of the house and focusing on things other than divorce and children

·      Establish new credit information that can help with securing a new mortgage, new credit cards and other lines of credit

The point is that a job can be a godsend, particularly in these darkening economic times.  It’s something definitely worth thinking about and to discuss with your attorney. 

December 13th 2008 Posted to Finances
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That’s really not as simple a question as one might think.  If you are someone who requires daily phone calls and e-mails with your attorney, if you change your mind about strategy like some people change shirts, and if you want to argue over every aspect of your divorce, the answer is usually “yes.”  The more difficult and time consuming the divorce, the more expensive it can be.

But for someone who is motivated, clear-headed about their objectives, and willing to work with the other side, the answer is often times a resounding “no!”  In our practice, my partner and I work very hard to be flexible with our clients, and we have different methods to bring divorce to closure.  Some of these are far less expensive than all-out litigation.  Collaborative law, mediation, and just old-fashioned negotiation in which you have realistic expectations about settlement, custody, visitation and other matters, can work to keep costs to a minimum.

Most matrimonial and family lawyers charge by the hour.  In our practice, we have implemented fixed fees, agreed-upon in advance so that our clients never have to worry about getting a surprise bill in the mail.  Sit down with the law firm you have chosen, and decide what works best for you now and going forward.  Find an attorney you are comfortable with, and who will listen to you and work with you.   

There are ways for you to minimize your legal bills in a proactive way that will help you and your attorney to settle the matter and not to unnecessarily dragging it out.  Remember, time is money, and the less time spent haggling over small things, the better off you might be in the end.

A few things to keep in mind:

·            Make sure you have a written retainer agreement with your attorney that is as comprehensive as possible.  An attorney who appears cheaper on the surface might not be after you check out the fine print.  There could be hidden costs.

·            Come to some resolution with your spouse over easily agreed-upon elements of your divorce.  That way your attorney will not waste time and money working on aspects you can work out yourself.

·            Keep emotions out of the process as much as possible.  Sorting out emotions takes time and therefore money.  Resolve ahead of time to keep emotions to a minimum.

·            Consider collaborative law and mediation as possible options. They cost less in both money and emotion.

These are just a few pointers.  The best thing to do is to find an attorney that you feel you can trust, and listen to their advice.  Divorce can definitely be expensive, but it doesn’t have to be.

November 21st 2008 Posted to Finances
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Believe it or not, we are seeing more clients who are both convinced that they should not stay married and that they should have a civil divorce.

One primary reason for this trend is that many people nowadays seek therapy, and anyone wise enough to do that develops communication tools that make dialogue with his/spouse easier and less stressful.  In addition, keeping anger to a minimum helps in co-parenting, a goal anyone with children should heed under all circumstances.

Another major factor is the growing practice of family lawyers, like us, who use collaborative law and mediation as a major aspect of their practice.  So, let us provide some tips to help you create a framework for a civil  divorce:

·      Make a list of debts and assets

·      Be sure both parties have signed on for a civil divorce.  It takes two to tango.

·      Find lawyers whose practices embrace collaborative law

·      Be sure you are both ready to get a divorce.  You would be surprised by how many people talk the talk but don’t walk the walk

·      Provide ideas for property settlements and/or alimony

·      List expenses

·      Develop a plan for child custody and visitation

·      Keep communication with your spouse open and free of rancor

We don’t want anyone to assume that divorce is ever easy.  There are very few simple divorces, and when there are children and money involved, “easy” is not in the cards.  But that doesn’t mean it has to be a war.  

The bullet points above are the beginnings of a framework – a tool to help develop a game plan that keeps emotions in check and allows both parties to end the marriage and move on with their lives.  A good lawyer, a level head, and reasonable expectations can work wonders in reaching a civil, and maybe even friendly, divorce.

November 16th 2008 Posted to General
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We have all seen the commercials about doing your own will by buying a template online.  These commercials claim they can guide you through a divorce for a couple of hundred dollars, no muss, and no fuss.  Would I recommend anyone use this method?  No.

Divorce is too complicated to be done through one-size-fits-all templates.  It is a way to legally dissolve a marriage, and it involves not only the two parties – the husband and wife – but also the State.  There are legal issues both parties must agree to, documents that must be completed and filed with the Court, and a myriad of issues that usually come up along the way.

Moreover, there are reported cases of couples that find out, years after signing an online divorce agreement, that they were not, in fact, legally divorced.  Also, bear in mind that States differ in their criteria for divorce, and some of these online services may not be up to date on the subtle differences between State laws.

In my experience, if both spouses have the wherewithal and maturity to work together to dissolve their marriage, the best way to do that is through collaborative law or mediation.  In such cases, lawyers make sure that all the documents are correct and that there are no loose ends.  It might be more expensive than the online version, but it will be worth more than the paper it is written on.

November 13th 2008 Posted to General
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